╾ 23rd

i keep looking at the sky and talking to you because deep down i know you're there, watching and hearing everything. i have to think that, i have to know and at least think you're somewhere. i said that already, right?

the feelings and thoughts just wont go away, it keeps running inside my head day by day.

i really wish i could say all these things without feeling guilty or like i'm blaming you because its not that at all. but i hate it. i hate all the things thats happening, i hate december. i used to love december, you know... christmas, the lights, people being happy and kinda united, even the air; i loved the end of the year, the new year.. but now. i hate it, i dont wanna celebrate any of this and i dont feel like celebrating. i dont know if i'll ever enjoy those dates again and even if i do, i dont know when. i dont know if i'll be able to fully enjoy the end of the years again like i did before.

i hate the number 18. i cant see it anywhere without having those feelings... and i cant help it, i cant control it. i hate mondays and i hate tuesdays. i hate my workplace. i keep looking but i hate looking at the sky. it reminds me that i'm only looking at it because of you, because i wanna look at you, i wanna think that you're there because you're not here anymore. i hate that people keep using your name. i hate that i'm so fucking emotional and messed up and a crying mess and so fragile that anything can easily break me. i just hate it.

i'm sorry. you probably worked so hard on your album and your songs, i'm sure you did everything for it to be perfect and i dont wanna go there but maybe you knew it'd be the last... and i cant even ser it, i cant even hear it. i just cant. mostly because i dont wanna cry because of work, i need my face to be pretty and i also need to sleep well - not that i really can. but just by seeing some stuff it already messes me up. i dont think i'd handle it well, i'm so weak and it keep getting harder, honestly.