╾ 24th

i dont know how to describe today. i think i was doing okay, not great but okay, i was able to get through the day... at least till now.

since your album was out i promised myself not to go on twitter because i know it'd only hurt me. but today for some reason i started to read the feed and well, of course i got hurt. but the thing is: its my own fault. not just because i was stupid enough to log in knowing that it wasnt a good idea, but all the rest.

its my own fault... i'm so disgusting you must hate me. i never listened to your songs. i never walked beside you. i've never bought an album or votes for you, even though i rarely do those two things. i was never on your side, supporting you like shawols and blingers did. i was always watching you from far away, never far but never near either. i always knew when you or shinee would comeback, i always knew the great and nice things you did and said, but i wasnt there.

i'm so stupid i hate myself even more for that. i know i keep saying i feel guilty but today, after reading this one tweet, it got worse. so much worse. after reading the tweet i see clearly... i'm such a dumbass. and they're right, i dont have the right to be like this. where was i when you needed? where was i to support you? i know i wasnt going to help even if i were by your side, but i wasnt anyway. and now how can i allow myself to be this sad? to be so devastated and missing you that much? i'm not worth of it. i dont deserve you. all my tears and all the pain i'm feelings, its all not worthy. i dont deserve your attention and i didnt deserved the acqua pearl sign. i just dont deserve anything. i'm sorry.

i'm sorry if my tears and sorrow seems empty or fake. i'm sorry for being like this even if i was never fully by your side. i'm so sorry for everything i am... i shouldve been with you all along, i shouldve just... known you. but i was always scared of falling in love with yet another person, i was always so scared of not letting myself stan another person 100% because i'm trash and i like to give all of me. i always thought i had no time.

how stupid.

it sucks you know. its the first month but i'm already thinking that it'll be one year at the end of this year. it'll always be like that and i have nothing to do.. i can only cry and stay sad forever, it seems.