╾ 10th

yesterday was really hard. i kept thinking about you and everything that comes with it and i was feeling so terrible and useless and i was holding my tears all day. when i came back from lunch i had to go to the bathroom and lock myself to cry just a little. i just wanted to be with you.

i wanna be with you.

i cried a lot too. although i was holding back my tears, i cried on my lunch, i cried on the bus when coming back home, i cried when i got home and i cried when i was going to sleep... its just too hard. its a mixing of feeling you know? i think about you and i think about me and my life and it all just falls down. it kinda hits me at once, all of it. and i feel like i cant bear all these things happening and just crumbling down.

i was reading the members letters and it broke my heart. i mean... theyre trying. theyre in pieces but theyre trying for you and for us and for your mom... theyre all trying and yet i'm here, giving up. i'm here just missing you so much i dont feel like staying here any longer. am i really that weak? they were so close to you, they got to talk to you everyday and watch you grow and be with you through all times and talk to you on the phone and yet i'm the one giving up. i dont have any strength and i'm pathetic.

after that awful day, i woke up feeling well. maybe because i've cried and let it all out. it was kinda sunny so i thought it was you telling me that its fine, dont worry. and i was okay but then suddenly i was in such a bad mood and nervous and anxious and as always i just keep thinking about you and... i dont know. i really just wanna be gone.

i went to the movie with my friend because i thought it must be nice to chill and "have fun" but i feel worse. she is now so close with some other friend and i was just... there. as always i'm just there. am i just some thing? am i just some thing that people hold on to when they have nothing else because i'm ridiculous and always available? am i nothing, really? like... do people even see me as a person with actual feeling and ??

this is so fucked up. then i start to think if thats what you were feeling and its awful anyway because i start to think about all the things that must be going on your mind. the pain. the desperation. suffocating you. everything making you feel heavy.

how can a person so beautiful inside and out like you suffer that much? so much to the point you had to took your own life to end the pain... damn..

its getting harder everyday and i dont even know why. wasnt time supposed to heal it? everybody keeps saying that.