╾ 11th

today was... different. i woke up feeling kinda okay and the day was starting to get sunny so i once again thought it must be you still trying to cheer me on. then i got sad and i was listening to elevator and thinking about you, i felt my heart get smaller... then i was okay again but when i was on the train on my way to pick up my sister i kept looking at the sky and you know the rest.

i cried. and when i was at the station i just wanted to cry and close my eyes to feel the wind because maybe it was you hugging me. and i looked at the sky. i talked to you and i asked you to take me with you.

and then out of a sudden a boy approached me. i took off my earphones and he said "... tells you its gonna be okay", i couldnt hear the beginning but... he worried about me. a person i've never seen. we dont know each other. but he saw me. he talked to me and he was trying to make me feel better. he tried to make me smile and i smiled indeed. he supported me when i talked about you, he tried to tale away my dark and bad thoughts.

he told me to replace the bad thoughts with good thoughts and thats what i always did, but somehow now i cant. he told me the same things those two ladies have told me in the new year: you wouldnt want me to cry or be so sad, be gone. you want me to be happy. and he told me to not let those bad thoughts get inside my head..

i dont know if i can do this right now, but he helped me so much. i felt happy. i felt cared about and its more special because its a stranger. i wish i could thank him even more and its sad that i'll never see him again, but i'll remember him as the angel you send me. because right there in that moment i could see myself falling. i could almost feel my body against the floor and against the cars passing by. i wouldnt do that, but i was drawing till he pulled me back.

these past three weeks i was walking around like a.. ghost?? i was just there... not feeling part of the world and walking with no expression and with tears in my eyes and i kept wondering if people even saw me, like... am i here? do people see me and dont even care? not that they need to talk to me because they dont even know me. but it was so good to be seen today. to be comforted by someone i dont even know, but he cared.

i consider today a special day.

although i'm still hurt, i'm at ease, at least for today, at least for some hours since i met him. i can make it through the night without crying. i'm glad.

and i miss you. i'm always missing you.