╾ 19th

i... really dont know how to start this. i wanna write for you and i wanna pull my thoughts out but i feel sick. i feel dizzy and i dont know. my feelings are all mixed up and i'm angry for the first time. i'm angry and i'm sad and i miss you and i'm anxious and i'm down.

i wasnt ready for this. i dont think i'd be ready anytime soon. i'm still not over all of this and they're releasing your album. your songs. whats left of the story you wrote. your story. i'm gonna hear your voice one last time, hear your music one last time, theres even a mv. everything. theres everything but you.

and this thought take me back to when i read someone say that, on your show, you were supposed to say that you'd have a comeback this january, but you didnt. you were already in pain and you already knew. it wasnt sudden. it was kinda... planned. its so sad... i have no words. i always say its sad and painful but i wish i'd know another words for that same feelings, but something stronger because what i'm feeling right now its beyond sad and painful.

i keep thinking that you were supposed to be here and comeback and sing your songs, be on stage and promote, meet your shawols and gain strength. but none of this could be your strength when you were here. and i always feel guilty because its not fair for me to think those things. you were not happy. you couldnt take it being here. how can i wish you were here? how can i wish you were here to make a comeback? am i that selfish?

no. i'm not. i know you're better now. i know it was for the best. the best for you. and thats all that matters. you. but to think that, till the end, you were in pain. this is what saddens me the most.

this is all i always say and its all i always write but now, with your album.. its all coming back. i dont know how i'm gonna hear the songs, i dont know how i'm gonna watch the mv, i dont know how i'm gonna open the album and see the photobook and everything... i dont know if i can handle it. my heart is not ready yet.

but at the same time i want this. i want your music and i need your voice. i need to read your story and i wanna be close to you, i wanna know you better and your music shows me the "real" you. although i'm scared of what its coming, i'm curious.

theres just a million things passing through my mind and as always i dont really know how to express it. its hard... everything is hard right now and i miss you so much.