╾ 20th

i'm exhausted. everything's just so messy.. i'm tired of people telling me what to do and what to feel. i'm tired of people minimizing my pain and my sadness, minimizing you. i'm tired of people using your name for things that have absolutely nothing to do with you.

why cant i be 3% happy that we're getting your album? why cant i be 3% happy because i'm going to hear your voice on new songs? why cant i be 3% excited about it? and why cant i be 97% sad about it? why cant i be sad because this was supposed to be something else? why cant i be sad because its your songs, your music, your story and you're not here to tell it, to sing it? why cant i have mixed feelings about it? why people keep telling "me" to not analyze the lyrics and everything else? why cant we just feel and do what we want? they dont know anything at all..

they dont know how i'm feeling, they dont know how other blingers are feeling, and most of all, they dont fucking know you. they dont know YOUR feelings, they dont know what you were thinking and going through, they dont know what YOU wanted. it pisses me off so much that people dare to talk and say things that they think you wanted or stuff like that. this is getting so big inside my head i think i'm going crazy.

and as if its not enough, today my friend's mom did it again. i was explaining the pearl acqua sign you gave me and she suddenly said it was bullshit; i wasnt even talking to her. she said i was some crazy fan and it didnt matter. she said i took it way too far. i told her it didnt matter if you're an idol or not, you're human and i care about you. she just dont get it. i got so mad and angry i was almost rude with her, but i cant. then she said to the other girl that "that kind of fan is crazy", meaning we ("that kind of fan") can easily do the same and kill ourselves because or "idol" also did it. first of all, does she not fucking think? is she that insensitive? i mean... what the fuck? taking our own lives isnt that simple, it takes us some big fucking pain inside, something unbearable. she just dont get it again.

this is ridiculous.

of fucking course its painful, i'm sad everyday and i miss you everyday and it hurts me so much, but thats not the prime reason why i wanna be gone for good. i wanted to tell her that, yes, i might be that kind of fan and kill myself, but not just because of that. i wanted to tell her that, yes, i wanna go with you so badly, but thats not the only reason i wanna be gone. theres just too much reasons and she minimizing my feelings its one of them. i'm so mad. how can she say that? how can she say something when she clearly saw my state? she saw me crying, she saw my ugly face after a sleepless night crying, she sees me sad and yet she tells me its unnecessary? she tells me i'm exaggerating and i'm dumb and just a crazy fan? fuck it.

i'm so tired... i dont wanna deal with this anymore, i wanna deal with selfish and stupid people anymore, i just cant do it. everyday gets harder and harder and i cant bear being here anymore. i need to go with you, theres not a single day i dont wish you to just take me with you. i'm so fucked up everythings just so fucked up.

i miss you, i need you.