╾ 29th

i'm at work and, well, grammy awards was yesterday so i guess its obvious that people are commenting. my boss are asking about it to one employee here and she was telling him that bruno mars won everything and blabla... and then she told him about rihanna and pink, she told him "they got fat", and told him that pink cant perform on those things in the air anymore. and she laughed as she said that.

its disgusting. the fact that those 2 are human beings, they're famous okay they're successful singers so they're on the spotlight but they're human like her, like me. they can get fat. they can get skinny they can do whatever they want. getting fat its not a bad thing, its not a shame.

its sad you know... theres so much things to say, so many nice things to say like.. they're nice persons, they sing well, their show is amazing. but no, she had to tell him they were getting fat.

then i remembered you. i must be so hard... doubting yourself and on top of that, having so many rude and bad people saying things about you. making you feel worse. no one deserves that because this is not everything they are. people have qualities but the other keeps seeing the "bad things" in them.

i know you suffered because of that. and it pains me too. it pains me that people could only see and talk about irrelevant things about you, some "imperfections", but no one's perfect. people seem to not look at their own reflection. it pain me because, honestly, we all make mistakes. but the thing is: you learn from them. you apologized and you tried to be better, if it was possible. thats what matters, not your flaws or stuff. but people just cant see that.

its frustrating, right? i cant help but blame everyone. you could be here if people were comprehensive, if people were lovable, nicer. you could be here if people actually saw each other and helped each other. you could be here if people could just understand each other. but everyone's selfish, people only thing about their selves. and we keep losing who we love, we keep suffering on our own, we keep collecting sadness and disappointments.

did you felt that way too? i keep wondering... i feel a lot of things and i always ask myself if you felt it too because those things makes me wanna go away, disappear, makes me wanna like... dont exist anymore. i dont wanna be here. but to think that you.. left. i need to know where you are. the fact that you're literally nowhere... you dont exist anymore. i know that you exist inside my heart and on my memory, but physically, you dont exist. your body's not here, you're not breathing, not living, not smiling, not singing. this. the reality dont seem to get inside my head. i think about it but i just cant acknowledge it.

i dont even know i cant believe it. i think about it, i read about it, i already let myself cry and watch the videos just so that i can understand and move on, but i still cant. or i dont want to. i dont wanna acknowledge that you're gone, that you suffered so much you took your life. i dont wanna acknowledge that you're not here, nowhere to be seen. i want you here, i want your presence. i miss you so much.

this is all so unfair. yes i keep repeating myself but you dont deserve all of this, you dont deserve bad things, bad feelings. you dont deserve to suffer so much. your future was so brilliant, you're so talented and kind you could've have it all. but people took that from you. i hate it.