╾ 16th

today when i was about to shower (i always write texts for you in my mind when i’m about to shower somehow) i thought... i really thought i was moving on? like.. i’m feeling okay these days.

but i dont know. i miss you. i think about you all the time. i look at the sky whenever i can and i think about you. 18 still hurts me so much and whenever i think about it it makes almost cry or well.. cry.

i still have no perspective in life and i still wanna be with you but somehow i’m being able to handle it? i think its maybe because i made like 2 friends and they’re nice, they talk to me and we laugh together. it keeps me busy, it keeps me entertained and it keeps me happy? having someone.

i’m scared to “depend” on them because i am what i am and.. everybody leaves. thats just how it is, people always leave me so i cant be too attached because i’ll end up suffering again and again, i’ll end up in loneliness again and again. i’m just at some kind of joy? in the moment?

its not lile wow i’m totally fine and happy!! i’m just okay. to be honest these days with one of those new friends i kept laughing and talking and thats just how i am around people who makes me comfortable to be myself, and he said “you’re so happy you’re really a happy person” and ?? my world just?? its sad that people think a smile or laugh means happiness. i’m far away from being happy. i’m a mess i’m terrible i’m sad and i wanna die how’s that i’m a happy person? people just dont get it.

its not like they should see that because honestly i keep hiding and i just cant talk to anyone because no one understands anyway people assume its too much and i’m exaggerating but.. theres still a possibility you know? well.

i just.. i love you so much. i hate everythings thats happening still and i miss you so much everyday still. i hope you’re fine, i need you to be fine and happy and okay. please.