╾ 8th

what to do jongie? what do i do? i only miss you more and more. its getting more and more unfair in my mind and i get sadder and even more angry everyday.

i wish you could be here. i really wish would treat you well because thats what you deserve. i wish you could be happy. you deserve to be happy. i cant say i wish you were loved and cared because you were; i just wish you could feel that. i wish you could see it. i wish you could felt the love of your family, friends, fans. you were so loved jongie. people cared so much about you, we may not seen it before and we may have not understood your situation like... it was really serious. but we all cared about you so much we wanted you here we still want you here.

i know we while on this situation tend to just not tell anyone and we keep giving hints but no one really sees it. so yeah i know thats why we wouldnt know you were feeling what you were feeling...

its all so mixed up i dont know what to say. i just miss you. i miss seeing you i miss your face i miss your presence i miss your voice i miss your smile and its terrible to know that thats how its going to be untill i go with you, i'll only miss you more and more each day because theres nothing anyone can do about it. you're gone. in such a sad and unfair way jongie... you left us in such a unfair way.

i know i already said many times how much its unfair and how much you deserved all the good things in the world but for some reason it gave you the worst. i hate that. i hate whenever i think about it and i think thats why i keep avoiding it. i keep avoiding seeing your face and thinking too much about it because it'll break me like its breaking me right now. i hate myself for trying to not think. i just cant move one from all of this and i'm so sorry jonghyun.

i'm sorry i'm weak and fragile and i'm sorry i wont let you in peace i'm sorry i keep thinking and thinking. i'm sorry.

i just wish you could be happy. why couldnt life treat you better? why couldnt life treat you good? why's that a soul so big and incredible and amazing had to suffer so much? why couldnt i do anything? why couldnt i just take everything and let you be free and happy while still living with those you loved and loved you back? shit.

it shouldnt be like that. its just not right. i'm so sorry. you only deserved the best in life, damn.

i love you so much, so so so much... its really unbearable. being without you and everything that comes with it.. yeah i know i've already said that. its a never ending circle. thats what it is. its always me missing you and telling you the same things because i can never change whats happening and what happened. i'm stuck in the same place with the same feelings and theres nothing i can do about it.