╾ 23nd

i'm doing it again and i'm so ashamed. honestly you must be so disappointed on me.. i know i'm letting you down and i'm so sorry as i always am towards you.. i'm so weak and i hate that.

but i just can't help it. i'm so hurt and it cuts down my heart so deep i just have to do it? i have to hurt myself because... this feeling... is either because i hate myself or because i really think i have to suffer because i am so worthless and useless...

i'm sorry not only because i feel like you may feel guilty but because i once promised you i would try and live nicely for you. i would try but i'm not even trying if i need to be completely honest with you. i don't even want to anymore. its just that there's some days when i feel like yes i should at least try for my own sake but then theres days i just ask myself why? why should i live nicely i dont even deserve it i dont even.. try to have it. happiness. i dont even try anymore i'm just existing and walking around, doing the things i have to do. i'm walking around in circles and i'm never really going anywhere.

the only place i really wanna go is with you.

even i cant help myself i dont even know why i keep getting sad that people dont see me, people dont acknowledge how weak and devastated i am and how i really hate myself now and my life and i just wanna be gone from here. how could they know? they dont really get the signs and i keep faking it. i keep pretending - really badly but - i am okay and just.. normal. too bad people think a smile means happiness. too bad people think theres only sadness when theres tears and wounds.

i really wish i could say goodbye to all of this and just go.

i really wish i could meet you right now.

thats my only wish.