╾ 5th

i keep forgetting. i think about a lot of things to write for you and i always forget. everyday i think about it and everyday i forget. its like i’m a new book everyday...

but the thing is: i miss you. i miss you so much and i desperately wanna go with you. i dont know but whenever i’m looking at the sky, at you, i feel an urge... and it feels like home. i have to be there with you. why is it so hard? so far?

you know, yesterday i thought... i dont wanna live and i hate every second thats true. but i also know i’m too coward to go, theres nothing i can do. i cant put myself in danger i just... cant. so... what if i make my existence a little less... unbearable? like. i can seek for help just so that someone will actually listen to me and know i’m serious, its not a fucking joke or exaggeration. its not that i truly want help because i feel like its useless anyway, i just want someone to take me seriously? someone to listen to what i’m saying and think about it. thats all i want and it sucks that i’ll have to PAY someone to do that because no fucking one can do that. nobody looks at me nobody can see me nobody listen to what i’m saying even when i say it with all the fucking letters I HATE TO LIVE I’M TIRED.

this weekend i was at my grandma with my brothers and i barely see them so when i do i should be happy right?? usually i am happy with that but this weekend i just wasnt. everyday it gets worse. then my grandma kept asking me if i was happy and i kept saying “i dont know” because honestly how could i know? i wasnt feeling anything but i was supposed to... i dont know. then she asked again because i wasnt with a “happy face” and i SNAPPED i said “well maybe you all should consider i’m NOT happy thats a possibility”. and guess what.. nothing happened.

people just dont care and i said that a thousand times i dont even know how i keep getting surprised. but its hard... you know that. you know because you too felt alone and hopeless. you too felt left aside and with nowhere left to run. it sucks and i hate it. i hate that you were feeling that way because i would do anything for you, literally i would do anything to fill the empty spaces inside your heart. you dont deserve any shitty thing. it angers me. every time i think about it wither i’m angry or sad or usually both.

i just cant seem to get over it or accept the fact... you’re gone. another month its starting and i always have this feeling... its horrible jongie. whenever its the 1st i keep thinking about how its going to be another 18th, how’s another month of not having you around and the things keeps getting inside my head over and over again its like a looping i cant get rid of it.

as i said i dont really wanna get over it if it means i’ll let you go. i wanna keep you forever in my mind in my heart everywhere i just wanna be close to you since i cant be with you for my own sake...