╾ 12th

whenever i look at the sky and i think of you i just feel trapped here. i feel like I’m stuck… i wanna be there with you but i just can’t, either because of myself or because there’s nothing that can take me. right now to be honest i feel confused. i mean.. i wanna go. i hate being here and everyday it gets harder not only to be here but to be without you. but at the same time there’s a lot going on. there’s my shows and yesterday KARD was confirmed and i love them so much i wanna see them. i even thought that maybe all of those shows out of a sudden you know.. maybe its something wanting to make me stay? i don’t know if its you or what… i prefer believing its you because you can see me and you don’t want me to suffer that much, you don’t think its time for me to go with you yet.

but besides… there’s also me. i'm trying to improve for some reason i’m trying to be the me i know i am inside, the me i always wanted people to know. the real me. i know its useless and people either wont like it or it wont make any difference because i suck so much but i’m trying. i also started thinking… i mean, yes i wanna go with you but since i cant, since i’m such a coward, maybe i should make my shitty life less shitty to live? i shouldn’t make it that hard because it only hurts me and only me. only i get frustrated because i’m still here, only i keep crying and only i keep wanting to be gone. no one sees and no one cares so why do i keep making myself suffer? i should work it out… not because i want to, not because i wanna forget everything and move on but because i have no choice. its still hard and i still miss you and whenever i avoid seeing you… it hurts me. because despite my swollen eyes and about-to-drop heart, i love you so much and i miss you like hell, i keep saying that but being sad because i miss you isn’t something i hate. of course it hurts like a thousand knives but i’m “able to handle it” because its you. because i don’t wanna move on or forget, i don’t wanna be apart or grow apart from you so i’ll take it whatever pain it may come.

all of this.. honestly… all of this is being hard on me and I only know I’m making this far because I’m a coward.