╾ 24th

another month is starting soon and i hate this. i hate not having you for so long i hate still being here i hate not being with you yet i hate myself i hate life and i hate to live. it all sucks so much jjongie please..

i'm so so sad... suddenly i'm listening to begin by jungkook and.. everything has changed so much. i miss bangtan so much you know they used to be my rock but now... its all changed, they're changed and i dont know theres no magic anymore, its not special anymore like it was before, now everybody knows them and just as i said its not special anymore.

maybe jongie just maybe if things with them were the same.. then maybe i'd be a little more strong. they used to be joy and i think back then love kept me alive but now i just dont feel anything anymore. i just... dont feel anything. i mean yes i love them and its really not only about them but about everybody i used to and still love. like now, monsta vixx and day6. i feel joy with them really. these days day6 was on tour and they keep saying such beautiful things and it honestly makes me feel so sad and sorry towards them because they tresure their fans so much and they keep trying to make us feel good and happy but i just.. i cant. not even for them.

monsta too keeps saying beautiful things, changkyun keeps telling us to live and be happy and healthy and to just stay by their sides but what the fuck not even that makes me wanna stay here. i'm such a trash fan and a trash human in general i dont feel anything anymore except for hm yes well i hate myself.

i keep hanging myself on memories and its terrible. i listen to songs i used to listen when i was "happy". honestly i had no big problems, it all was family things and its okay nobodys family is perfect. i had at least one friend and it was nice. today... i have material things, i can buy clothes i want, i have my albums and i can buy me my cds and dvds, i have my own room and i dont have to do house service anymore but for what.. literally no one cares. nothing matters. years ago i had nothing in my pockets i barely could buy me food at school and i was okay. it wasnt a big deal. i was happy, i guess. at least way better than i am now. with all of this... so what? i've lost interest in everything and i have literally no will to live. i'm fucking existing and i pisses me off so much no one has any idea.