╾ 10th

hi jongie.

its here. its always here and it hurts. no matter how hard i try, no matter how many times i try to fool myself and distract my head, its always coming back. the thoughts of you...

i keep seeing you in other people, i keep hearing your voice, i think of you when listening to music, i think of you when people talk about things, you're just always on my mind and theres no sign of this getting over.

sometimes people say things that makes me think of myself and the state that i'm in but because of that i end up thinking about you. as i always say, its not your fault, it was just a huge ass trigger and now i have to live with that. i cant get rid of it.

it was thursday when my college's grandpa passed away. i dont really like her but when i saw her crying, i knew it. earlier her boss told her friends that he was in the hospital and i was there so i knew it. i couldnt help myself and i started crying. at first i didnt really knew why but then i understood... i cried because, even if its not the same, i know how it hurts to lose someone we truly love, i know its too painful. and it was her grandpa, someone she loved and cared and she could talk to him every time and hug him and all of that... it must be even worse. and then i thought... of you, of course. i saw some of her closest friends hugging her and comforting her and it was just... it reminded me of how no one cared about my pain, about me hurting because i lost someone i deeply love just because it wasnt someone related to me, it wasnt family.

two strangers. only them and my grandma on the first day, but she called me just because my aunt told her i was crying all day. she was worried that day and then it was over, she might've assumed i was fine. everybody thinks i'm fine till now but little do they know i'm still hurting, i still miss you and i still cry. they dont know and of course they wouldnt understand. in some way, she's lucky to have people supporting her and comforting her... i have no one. i have no one to cry, to talk, to say how's been hard to handle all of this. i have no one that understands and all because i never met you and you never knew my name.

they cant understand that i love you, no matter if you're far or near. they cant understand that you made me happy, you gave me joy, you made me smile. its really hard to lose someone you love, but its worse when you have no one... i have to deal with all by myself, i have to deal with my pain, with my wanting to go, with my tears, with calming myself down because it hurts me too deep i can feel my heart shaking and getting smaller and smaller inside of me.