╾ 15th

i dont really know how much, but it hurts. it still hurts and i dont know if i can handle it well or i'm just pretending, i'm just dealing with it. anyway, whenever i'm alone and/or looking at the sky, i cry. too much or too little, i still cry. and i still think about you all the time, all the things i do i think of you.

and another day is coming... another month. another month and i keep crying, i keep getting sad and angry and i still think about everything and how this is so unfair. how you shouldve been happy but people just wouldnt let you for some fucked up reason. i dont know, i really dont know but i keep thinking... i think of so many things and all of them makes me sad and angry.

it really is real.

its not healing at all. i can deal with it in a better way and i feel okay when i'm around people and these days i had no time on my own so i'm just living but sometimes i AM on my own, specially like now when i lay down to sleep and look at the sky. i feel it all hitting me back again and all the memories and all the pain and i just realize its not healing. its still here, everything. all the feelings i felt and all the thoughts. its never gone. its all open.

do you ever get sick of me? of watching me living with no will, watching me cry almost every night, watching me watching you wanting to be there too... i'm sorry. i'm sorry i cant get any better, i'm sorry i lied the first day saying i'd try to live for you, i cant do that. i dont wanna be here. i'm always sorry for being so weak and miss you that much, maybe i wont leave you alone when i should. maybe i should let you go but i cant. i wanna hold on to you as if you're the only thing i have. i need that. you. the thought of you. the hurting and the tears, i need something to keep me close to you, i dont care what it is. do you understand that?