╾ 18th

how's this real? how has it really been 3 months... you can't be gone. it cant be. i keep denying it and i keep thinking its not a reality.

yesterday was so hard for me to sleep, to calm my heart. i cried and i cried so much i thought i'd go breathless. i could feel all the pain inside of me as if i was holding it with my own hands. it was hurting so much... i didnt know what to do. i kept rolling around in my bed and i kept remembering the day you left. it was like i was living the same day again. i still feel weak and exhausted. it feels like i'm long way gone and there's just my body here. its always hard but of course its worse when it comes to the 18th. i'll continue saying that i hate it. i hate that number and i hate that day, i hate that i have to live till now and keep crying and hating it, i wish this could all just stop.

while i was having a hard time, i kept wondering if you felt that way too, if you could put on a smile during the day when you were around people but as soon as you were alone you cried that much and felt that much pain. its really heard to handle, i get it. its not my case anymore but i wonder if you really tried to be happy and feel okay, if you really wanted to stay here. its not fair. its not fair you felt such despair and had to do it. its not fair you were alone.

its so hard being alone... while i couldnt sleep i just wanted someone to be here with me, holding me. or just someone to talk to me and distract me. just someone. but i look around and i'm alone. its terrible and it pains me to think you were feeling alone too. i hate that so much you might have no idea as much as i always talk about it.

why does such bad things happens with such good people? you're so good, jjongie, you're too good. you're the closest to the word perfect i've ever known. that's why even if it hurts so much, i hope you're living well now, no matter where you are, i hope you're happy and enjoying your peace. dont think about anything anymore, just be happy, please, although i cant believe it, although i cant move on.

it hurts me even more when i hear your voice. it just doesnt feel real. i know and i already said that your voice will remain, your songs, your lyrics, but whenever i listen to your songs it feels like you're still here.. and then it hits me. its juts my imagination, its just my thoughts trying to fool me. i really dont know whats worse: thinking you're here and nothing is real, or thinking about the reality. i think that no matter what i think, it'll hurt me. there's nothing good about all of this, there's nothing that can make me feel better. it all just hurts and keeps hurting. it gets hard day by day.

i want this to end. i hate myself because i cant end it all by myself. and i dont mean i want to be happy and move on, i dont mean i want the pain to end so that i can live happily. you know what i mean, i always say that, i keep saying that... i dont wanna be here anymore, i dont care, no one cares and there'll be no difference at all. i just wanna go with you, i wanna go with you. i need to be with you. i dont know where and i dont know how, i just need that.

its funny because whenever i'm a mess like now, i think about what i became and how i keep saying the dark things i "hide" but no one listens. friday at work we were talking about being happy, i cant remember exactly, but then i said i wasnt happy, i said it so that only i could hear me, but my friend sits beside me and he heard it, then asked "you're not happy?" and i said no. he said "how's that you're not happy, you laugh all day". isnt it funny? just because i laugh and smile and play with him it means i'm happy. not only that but every time i "joke" about death, people just laugh. another colleague at work even said "whenever you say things like that i get scared", but guess what, he doesnt care. he say he's worried but he doesnt even talk to me about it, he wont even ask if its real, if i really want that, if i really wanna be gone. maybe no one thinks its possible to know someone who really wants to d**.

and i cant help but think if you were going through that too. if it was similar. no matter what happens to me, i wonder if you went through the same. i shouldnt do that because it hurts me every time, but its automatic. its like i need to understand you and know what happened for you to end it all. why am i like this... why's everything like this? why is it so hard, why do we need to be in pain? why do we have to be alone? why are people so selfish and blind? why does no one see us? why do we have to hide our emotions and pretend everythings okay even tho doing that kills us day by day?

now your voice is here, but its gone... i still can see your face in pictures but you're not longer here. i cant feel your presence. your words still here but its not anymore. nothing makes sense. being here without you makes no sense at all and i dont know where all of this came from, i just feel it. and it hurts. even after three terrible months, it hurts. it pains me and makes me cry. today for some reason is being harder then the other ones. its like day one. i cant stop crying and its hurting too much jjong, its hurting too bad.

its a mix of a lot of feelings that wont ever go away. and its because i cant believe i lost you. i cant believe i lost the time i had to be with you. it still hurts me because its unfair. it hurts me because you deserved to be here and be happy and loved and cared and you deserved to smile everyday...

you know, i've been crying since late yesterday before i could sleep. i just cant stop. i keep thinking about you and what day is today... i normally write and close everything and try to catch up with other things but today i just cant do that. i feel like i'll be writing here all day till theres nothing left to say at least for today. i keep looking at your pictures, seeing your smile. what a smile. and your eyes, the cutest and prettiest eyes on earth. i look at you as i hear your songs and again i just keep thinking its not true. it cant be. i hate thinking about that but i wish you were here. sometimes i really want you back even when i regret wanting that because you didnt wanted to be here thats why you left. but i miss you and i cant help but want you back, i cant help but want to see you again, even in pictures, even in previews of you at the airport, or whatever. i'm sorry. deep down all i want is for you to rest well. but it hurts.

am i too weak or are people just too strong? i see people moving on and i dont understand. my friend's mom and aunt are doing great and their sister just died in december too. even her daughter seems to be doing great, moving on. my friend at work lost his friend recently, maybe a month ago, and she's holding up well, she and her friend (that happens to be his girlfriend) even go out, they dance, his girlfriend even kiss another boys, she told me "he wouldnt want me to be stuck" and i dont get it. how can they all move on so fast? my sister's grandma told me that phrase too, that you wouldnt want me to be this sad, you want me to move on and be happy, to remember you from the good things that happened but i cant do that. i cant just think about that and move on. i cant just let go of you. i cant just push the pain away because its always here and i have no will to get better. i've already given up. i dont care.