╾ 31st

i'm sorry jongie. i'm so sorry i can't be happy. i can't live well as i said i would for you. i told you i was going to try and live well and do something for you, but it seems impossible, i see no way out of this. i can't be happy i can't. i don't feel joy anymore. i just wanna be dead and nothing is changing my mind, not even my shows. nothing.

i have nothing and no one. i'm all fucking alone and it makes 4873290 billion times worse than already is. some say yes go and see a doctor they might help but then what? i'll still be alone. i'll have a DOCTOR, PAID to listen to me and try to help with no reason. thats all i'll have. i really dont want that. theres no point i getting help if things will still be exactly the same for me... one thing leads to another and its an eternal circle of emptiness and anger, sadness and bad feelings. i'm hopeless.

more than never now i'm pushing everyone away without even thinking. i keep doing that. is it better? to just push people away so that they wont have to deal with me and my depressed and pessimistic ass?? people dont really have to be near me, they dont have to tolerate me, i get them and i get my brain for pushing them away without me even noticing. its better. i think its better if i'm all alone anyway. even i myself cant deal with me, imagine other people... they just want the best of me. my playful self, the bright side of me who keeps supporting and showing affection and positivity and smiles and thats it, thats all they want from me. they want me to keep faking who i am. i'm tired of that to be honest.

i'm so tired of having to hide myself, hide my feelings, everything.. i'm tired of having to pretend i like things and smile, i'm tired of having to say i'm okay and going because fuck that i'm doing terrible. i've never been this bad before. i've been so shitty. why cant i just say that?? people can do their stuff and ignore as ever or they can say i'm mad and its not true or that i'm a drama queen, whatever, i just cant handle all those lies people make me say. i'm tired of everything and i have no will anymore. for nothing. i just wanna be gone.

please jongie, please just take me with you. if i can be locked up in my room all day even for 2 days straight without people coming in and asking if i'm okay or not even caring about me or where am i, if i can be like that and literally no one cares, why and what the fuck am i doing here? theres no point nor purpose, theres nothing.