╾ 27th

hi baby. i would say "its been a while" and feel guilty for not writing to you but you know its not true since i talk to you everyday and you know its been hard since the 18th.. too hard, honestly.

i couldnt hold myself at work, i was stupid enough to listen to your music and it was obvious i would cry. i just wanted to feel you, to remember you, i wanted to cry for you because i feel it deep inside. i keep letting everything in and i dont let go so its suffocating me. i had to. and i cried and just didnt care. actually i dont care anymore. an then i cried a lot at night too... and then the next day, and the next.. i kept crying the whole week. specially now with all the shinee comeback things.

its killing me, you know? i cant see anything about it i'm just too bitter its too soon for me... as i always say, its been 5 months and it feels long without you but so short to deal with it. i just cant. i'm so sorry for them everyday because i cant support them but its not up to me, its just my heart and my mind. its impossible.

and now.. roo's missing and it breaks me. she's so cute and small and innocent and she might be scared and lonely and she might even be looking for you, i cant stand the thought. also its another part of you thats missing. it sucks so much and i, once again, cant do anything about it, i can just pray and hope someone finds her and bring her home. your sister could be suffering too she might be feeling guilty and she might even be blaming herself and thinking you would never forgive her. it all sucks so much i hate it.

i hate being here more and more each passing day jongie. not even the tickets i bought to see sf9 are helping me. maybe when i buy monsta x's tickets something changes, at least till august, but honestly i cant stand it anymore. people... they're so mean and selfish its horrible. also missing you.. i dont think it'll ever go away. i dont think i'll overcome it. looking at the sky and feeling my hear ache, whenever i feel pain is like someone's smashing my heart right through my chest. literally hurts everything, my whole body.