╾ 16th

today a “friend” at work was talking briefly about how its been 3 months since her grandma passed away and she couldnt focus on work, she didnt wanted to talk about it she was just explaining why she’s out of her mind today. then my friend started talking about her like everyone... she just talked about her and her loss and how she’s so sad and depressed and bla bla. she said its worse to lose someone out of nowhere, like losing someone from some illness isnt so bad. it was awful. like... we get it she lost someone she loves and its really painful, but it doesnt matter how, it hurts anyhow. losing someone hurts.

i didnt even talked about you because honestly, i wasnt the time. also she just wanted to tell her story, nothing more. but it really gets me you know... how can people just invalidate someone else’s feeling and griefs... how can people just ignore everything and talk only about them. is it so hard to listen? is it so hard to try to understand others? is it so hard to talk to people about what they’re talking about without bringing the focus to yourself? i hate that.

i’m telling you this because as i said a thousand times, i wonder if you felt that too, if it was like that with you too. if you were trying to tall but no one noticed or cared because all people care about are themselves. i also thought... maybe i talked about it, the things i’m feeling, the sadness and how i want to just die... maybe people would see me and hear me and understand me and help me? but then i realize its not like that. people wouldnt believe. they would say i’m overreacting and i dont wanna die i’m just sad and need to be happy and find something that makes me happy.

nothing makes me happy anymore. i wonder why i even think about seeking help because honestly, what is any help for? why would i want to be helped out? to live the same day over and over just to be living? to “grow up” as people wish because we have to be the person other people want us to be? live just for others and work and study? live for pleasing people? why do i even wanna live if no one even cares about my feelings or how i really am? WHO o really am, no one cares, they only care about themselves and what they want others to be. fuck that.

and then i look at the sky... it hurts me. not only because i think about you and i feel my heart breaking from missing you, but also because i wanna be there and i cant. i just cant. right now its because i really wanna ser monsta and sf9, but then...? theres no reason. i’m just a coward. i’m so tired of everything i’m tired of being here everyday i’m tired of going to sleep looking at the sky and waking up looking at the sky to remind me i’m still here.