╾ 11th

here i am once again, not knowing what to write because i thought of so many things and didnt wrote i down... here i am once again, listen to your songs and crying. typical friday night. i can cry because i dont have to work tomorrow so its fine. thats when i get closer to you. and when i'm alone, which is... very often.

you know, i said and i keep thinking that i have to live because of monsta x and now sf9 since they're coming to brazil in august and i'm truly excited, obviously. but its inside of me by now. i'm extremely tired of being here. i'm exhausted. its still the same. today i was waiting for my bus and i looked at the sky as i always do, then i started crying. because i miss you, because i cant believe you're gone, because i wanna be there too... theres just so many things.

i was talking to my colegue and as everyone he asked me if i was okay and i said so so. i told him theres nothing bad that cannot get worse anyway and i'm used to it so i just live. he laughed and said he likes that, he likes that i'm "not depressed", i dont say depressive stuff and he likes that i kinda make fun of it, he said i am strong. i told him i look strong and i try to look strong outside because i hate showing my bad side to people because no one has nothing to do with my sadness. i was just about to thank him and tell him maybe is good to look strong but then i thought... is not so good? i mean. i'm so devastated and destroyed inside but since i look okay (at least i try) people keep thinking i'm okay and happy and just fine. but i am not. i wish someone would just see me. truly. i know i dont show it but i just wish... someone could hear me screaming.

also, he said i'm strong, my sister tells me the same thing. it makes me so sad and sorry for them because honestly? what kind of a strong person am i? i'm nowhere near to being a strong person. i'm so weak, so so weak... if i was strong i would want to live, i would at least try. if i was strong i wouldnt be here by now. i'm such a weak coward i hate myself. i hate that i look like something i'm not. i hate that people believe in me and think i'm strong but i'm not. its all so fake.

i know i made this because i was supposed to talk to you about you and how i miss you and yes i do that all the time, i keep saying how much i miss you, but i also talk about me, my feeling and how i'm broken because honestly i feel like only you will understand. here's the only place i can talk. you're the only one to listen to me. also... whenever i'm feeling like that and thinking all those things about hating me and everything and being alone, i think of you. i keep wondering if you were feeling that too or something similar. i dont know why, isnt healthy for me but i cant help it. i cant help it but think about you all the time in any situation. i cant say that i wish you were here and thats why i keep saying how much i miss you... theres this hole in my heart and i can feel it all the time. it keeps reminding me.

its too hard and it hurts too bad, jongie. hurts a lot.