╾ 8th

hi jjongie. its still hard. i fool myself in thinking i’m doing fine and i’m okay but then i realize i’m not. i’m never okay anymore and i’m never really fine.

its been so long since i wrote for you and although i think about you everyday and a lot of words pass through my mind, i cant write because i’m too weak for anything. i have no will anymore. i stopped my diet and i started eating a lot again (junk food and fast food specifically) and i stopped doing my exercises, i stopped looking for entertainment i just... stopped doing stuff. i stopped caring about me and about people and i just... i dont know. its hard as always and maybe it wont ever get easier.

things are messy and it seems like all i do is wrong and i’m such a terrible person for doing absolutely nothing. my anxiety is worse and i have a lot more panic attacks and its just so fucking annoying. i cant count on anyone because people are just so stupid they never get it. i too am stupid because i complain but do i ever try to tell people how i feel? like how i’m so fucking broken i feel like i might break down at any moment? do i even try to tell people how everything affects me so deeply and i keep things on my mind for days and i just cant let go? no. i keep shutting myself and i keep hurting myself and letting people hurt me because they thing i’m always fine and strong. but i’m just too good at hiding and faking.

maybe if i told people they would care more. maybe they would think about me sometimes and really care about me. but i’m a dumb fuck i hate myself for everything. i hate it i hate it.

when will you take me with you jongie? i keep asking... another month is starting again and i hate this feeling so much knowing its another month with you. 9 already. its too long yet too short because i cant deal with it till now. i cant seem to believe and it still feels like a bad dream or a distant memory and you will come back eventually, i keep imagining you’ll just show up because it really dont seem like you’re gone. fuck.

i miss you like hell. i cant never stop missing you and thinking about you and its all so hard and messy i hate everything. i cant deal with anything anymore. help me jongie please just take me with you i beg you. its not getting any better and i feel like i’m getting weaker sometimes it feels like i’m slowly disappearing and no one cares so.. just.. please. you can see me i know you can so why are you letting me stay here??