i honestly dont know how to start this. i keep thinking and thinking and making random sentences but its like i'm walking in circles and i'm not going anywhere. maybe its because i still cant believe it. or its because i cant accept it. its been so hard that i keep wondering if this will ever go away. i've never been so sad and i have never cried that much in my life. i have never lost someone i love. its the worst thing.

i dont know how you did it, just thinking about that for 2 seconds makes my heart ache. i dont even dare to see the news and the details because.. really, it destroys me. but i want you to know that all the tears and all this sorrow and hurting.. i dont blame you. i could never. i understand you and its okay. its just something that i have to feel, its something i cant avoid because right now i can feel your abstence in everywhere i go, everywhere i look. i have to live knowing that i'll never see you and i'll never see your smile again, i'll never listen to your wise and helpful words.. i mean, yes, i can have all that forever but... you know? its everything from the past. in the future, RIGHT NOW, you're not here anymore. it breaks me. but again, its not your fault, i dont blame you and i'm not angry or mad, not at all. i might be suffering but all i want right now is for you to finally be happy and have peace. thats all i ask for everyday when i look at the sky.

everyday i try to hold back my tears and my sadness but i'm not as strong as you are. i'm not even 5% as strong as you. in fact you might be looking at me right now and you probably want me to smile and be happy knowing you're fine and maybe you're disappointed. but i WANT to smile and i want to keep going knowing that you ARE fine now and i try really hard but i'm so hurt. you left a space here, you left an emptiness that i cant even explain.

people keep trying to guess why you did it and assuming things that they dont even know. only you could feel what you felt and only you knew why you did what you did. i know i keep trying to understand and theres some things that i get it, but its never the same as you. only we can feel our feelings and i think its so stupid and disrespectful when people assume things and try to say what you were thinking because they just dont know. we will never know. i'm so sorry you had to feel what you felt, i'm so sorry for everything you've been through, i'm so sorry you had to be in such pain, i'm so sorry i didnt saw it coming and i know that there was nothing i could do, but its still awful, i'm sorry. i wish i could take your pain for myself. i wish we could change places, i wish it was me instead of you. i'd do that much for you. the fact that i'm alive and you're not its just... unfair. i mean, i am nothing, no one. but you were everything for a lot of people. you mean everything to them. what a loss would i be? but you... its such a terrible loss. you're so talented and amazing and one of the most incredible persons i ever knew, and i appreciate the fact that i lived at the same time as you. i'm glad i got to know you. you were so strong. you are strong. life is so hard, people are so mean all the time and yet you kept going and trying your best to wake up every morning, you tried your best to stay here and i'm so proud of you. i'm so proud of everything you've done, i'm proud of who you ARE. a beautiful person inside and out, a person who always wanted to help others because you KNEW how it felt like to be alone or to be struggling. you didnt wanted anyone to feel what you felt, what you were feeling. your words will always be remembered, your voice will keep singing forever and you will live in our hearts till it stops beating. i wish i could join you. i wish i could be with you right now and i wish i wouldnt be so sad and feeling this pain. but i'm not as strong as you.

wherever you are, i hope you're happy. i hope you're in peace, i hope you to find what you were looking for and i hope you're smiling right now. as hard as it is, i'll try to live the best way i can for you. i'll try and do that for you. i'll cherish you from here and everyday i'll look up to the sky and think about you. i'll talk to you. you'll be my guardian angel. thank you for trying your best. thank you for staying here while you could. thank you for all your kind words, for all the times you cared about people. thank you for stooding up for what you thought it was worth it: it really was. thank you for helping me so much without even knowing. you're so precious and you will always be. i hope you can feel all the love, i hope you can see how many people loves you and depends on you and are proud of you; how many people are GRATEFUL for you and everything you did for them. you were a strenght for a lot of people. you still are. because everything you did will keep living and we'll keep spreading all the good you did here. thank you for everything and rest in peace my love. you did well, everything will be fine now.

till we meet again.