- breaking into our house... twice
- breaking the glass window above the bed that your five year old daughter slept in so you could steal some jewelry and pawn it for a fix
- not caring about how that would make said five year old daughter feel in her own home, in the world
- making me feel unsafe, chaotic, uncomfortable
- making my life as a child one where i would have to wonder every single day coming home from school 'are things going to be missing? is today the day he broke in again? is today the day he disappears and everything changes again? is today the day he shows back up and everything is sad again?'
- never caring about how anything you would do would affect me
- stealing my stuff, then and now
- missing my graduation
- missing my wedding
- never coming to a single choir concert of mine, even when you were able to
- missing almost every birthday and every christmas
- not listening to me, ever
- being so caught up in yourself that you never had the time to actually get to know me
- being high when lilah died, not every turning around to talk to me when i told you
- choosing heroin over everything else in life, including me
- stealing my grandmother's gold class ring and pawning it to be melted down
- tricking my roommate into letting you into our house when i was gone and then emptying my almost full change jar into your backpack before disappearing again
- lying to lo about me when she went to tell you that you couldn't live with us anymore because your parole officer called me and told me you tested dirty
- then 'secretly' living on the side of our house anyway
- asking me to come get you from aunt christi's so you could stay with me 'for a night' and then never leaving
- stealing cash from my mom and blaming my 16 year old best friend
- getting mad at me and storming out, slamming the door, when i asked you not to come back to my house until you were clean after i found a used needle under the mat in my bathroom
- being high in front of me countless times -- nodding off while i'm talking, coming to my house and falling asleep on my couch for hours, forgetting entire conversations that we've had
- forgetting that i told you about my csa and being shocked when i brought it up again
- being mean to me when you needed a fix
- making everything about you, every single time
- convincing me that any problem i ever had with you was actually just me attacking/hating/being mean to you (like everyone else does to you)
- never taking responsibility for the things you've done to me, to my mom, to papa and grandma
- thinking you were entitled to a relationship with me when i was a kid even though you had done nothing but hurt me and were in prison...
- making me feel guilty at 12 years old because i didn't want to have a relationship with you
- pressuring me into accepting phone calls from prison, writing you letters, accepting your letters
- pressuring me into visiting you at a maximum security prison, which turned out to be a traumatizing experience for me -- you didn't even notice/care how incredibly uncomfortable i was
- hurting my grandparents more than anyone else and never apologizing for it -- blaming them for it, in fact
- being resentful and hateful towards my mom and blaming her for almost everything
- hurting my mom over and over and not caring about how that would hurt me
- not acknowledging that my mom was my savior being my only parent and that you were not a parent at all and trying to tell me that 'well, if she couldn't have done it then i would have' LIKE ITS THAT EASY. HUH.
- arguing with me about what it's like to be the child of an addict, like you have any idea
- disappearing and reappearing from my life over and over and over and over
- disappearing for months and months on end, making everyone (including your child) sick with worry about whether you were dead, high, safe, etc.
- allowing me to witness you homeless and disgustedly skinny countless times as a child and an adult -- i've seen you on the street just driving by a gas station, showing up at our door after not seeing you for months, mom and sister and i going out 'looking for' you on the streets
- showing up at our house in withdraw multiple times and allowing me to witness you being horrifically, violently ill when i was five and six years old
- knocking on my window on christmas eve in the middle of the night, skinny, homeless, sick, and begging to stay the night
- expecting me as a 19-20 year old to let you live in my house, visit you in rehab, buy you groceries every week and deliver them to you in said rehab, drive you places, etc.
- causing me to cry at night during the winters you were homeless, wondering if you were cold, safe, hungry, where you were sleeping
- taking advantage of me, period
- taking advantage of lo, my mom, and papa and grandma
- making all of this normal to me
- just not caring
jun 1 2020 ∞
jun 1 2020 +
jun 1 2020 +