➹ may 30, '23

i saw this tiktok about how they're begging people not to watch someone they're trying to get over do something they're passionate about and the first thought that popped in my head was, "damn. if i ever saw you play valorant irl, play basketball, or even build legos just feeling at peace and being in your own safe space, i might just fall in love."

➹ june 01, '23

can't believe it's june already. ambilis. it's 06-ella month :D

i'm proud of you for being able to say "no" to people when you don't wanna do something.. that was a moment i won't forget, that u were able to do it because i told you that u can do it. i could tell it made you feel sm better about yourself and i'm glad i was there to witness it.

but for some reason, i find myself being attached and dependent to you, which is unhealthy as we both know. i wish i didn't feel this way but it's something i need to work on because you're clearly okay with being by yourself. i wish i knew how to do that too. i've forgotten how to.

➹ no date, '23

kio, thank u for being there. thanks for always being that someone who always saw the best in me.

➹ july 24, '23

i haven't written anything in this journal slash notes on my phone for a while. i do admit i've been too occupied to do so but it's a good reason. i've been having so much fun hanging out with you on your days off and i can't stress and tell you enough how much i'm thankful that you're there for me. lagi kitang pinapasalamatan sa time mo kasi i know you can be doing so much more other things than staying at home, playing, and talking to me. nanood tayo ng mga hilig mo, cars, mods, builds and listening to how good the revs sound. naglaro ng valo, tumawa, nag-asaran.. things like that make my day lalo na ikaw yung kasama ko. last night, naglaro tayo ng farlight until you made me sleep kasi 1AM na for me. it was so much fun and i could also tell that you were having a good time.

➹ july 25, '23

sorry ulit sa pag act up ko nung binili mo sakin yung $10 steam points para sa farlight. in my head it could've felt nice and i would've made u feel good too knowing na you're giving back to me dahil binilihan kita ng bundle sa valorant but at the same time, i keep wanting to say sorry kasi i didn't want you to feel like it was my way of rejecting you or something. i never want you to feel that way and if i could accept it, trust me, i would've. pasensya ka na. i still struggle with accepting gifts because i'm not used to it. i've never been treated that way and being in that position made me feel so vulnerable and i didn't know what to do or feel. i felt so overwhelmed to the point na i had to go nonverbal and cry to myself. i really do appreciate you and i wish i could show you more. sana hindi ka mag overthink and blame yourself kasi alam ko naman na you had the right intention and you didn't mean it to make me feel bad.

it really broke me when you asked me what was it that i did that was so bad that i don't think i deserve it.. hindi ko rin alam. maybe it's the self-hatred. maybe it's something else in me that i haven't had time to reflect on, but now i will. hahanapin ko sa sarili ko yung sagot so i can deal with it from now on.

na-aappreciate kita sobra na kahit presence mo lang, okay na ako. hindi mo na kailangan gumastos or gawin pa kahit ano. ikaw lang masaya na 'ko. this night, 'di ko alam sasabihin ko sayo and i don't wanna bring up what happened last night kaya i should probably just leave you to play farlight with your friends. i'm sure miss na rin nila presence mo kasi i've been hogging all your attention. i wanna talk to you and hear your voice but tonight, okay lang. i'm sure you need a break from me too. have a good night, baho.

➹ july 26, '23

didn't think the day after i write what seems to be my last entry for this section will be the day we actually drift apart. or that's just what it feels like for me. to me, giving time and space to another person is still the same as time being apart,. space. behind every "thank you for the games," and "goodnight, sleep well!" and "ingat" that i've muttered or replied with has a hidden, "thank you for making my day better, tolerable. thank you for the distraction from my life that's in shambles, life so misunderstood, life that i don't care for much anymore so i just do whatever to pass the time. thank you for paying attention to me and actually caring when no one around me seems to do so." so much feelings, no more words. i just assume that you needed the time and space away from me too, that's what drove you to suggest such a thing even though you know being with you, even through the internet, is one of the things i look forward to most, rather the only thing if i'm being dramatic, in or at the end of my day.

"would we be able to get back to together talking and just having fun?" hindi ko na alam. when you asked me that, i think i felt the same way as when you asked me why I don't believe in marriage or if I want to adopt kids later on.. hindi ko alam. it's too far ahead of time for me to even begin thinking about and consider doing. hindi ko alam kailan ako makakamove on sayo fully because I admit that i've lowkey been having mad feelings na I never acted on. shit, i could be dead by the time I take a step back and realize I'm over you. may time periods and stages na ba to determine if you've already moved on? may signs and list of symptoms na ba para mas madaling i-dissect ang feelings ko?

heheh i know we told each other na we both like being honest and straightforward when it comes to what we want or what we think about but i think i'm gonna keep these thoughts to myself kasi nakakahiya kung malalaman mo pa. unless you're already one step ahead and reading these as i type them. sorry na <3

➹ july 27, '23

i've been thinking about how i got our friendship all mixed up. you were right. i was confused and thought u were still giving us a shot by caring for me and giving me your attention. i had it all backwards and you were feeding into my delusion, resulting in my hopes being so high up. it feels terrible, honestly. to be in this position. to have to have you give me time and space to sort my feelings out and move on, without having any communication with you. it really sucks. what i was scared of came true, masyado na kong nasanay sa'yo. ngayon di ko alam pano gumalaw. how to go about my day without thinking of you. sakit e tangina. i don't know how else to phrase how i feel without having self-pity, but at the same time i don't even fully blame you. i blame myself. i blame how fucked up my head is. at night i just find myself staring at the last messages you sent me and me responding with defeated replies. i couldn't even cry. ramdam ko nalang na my heart was tightening like theres no space outside the walls of it.

feel ko nadidistract rin utak ko sa upcoming driving test this saturday.. nagtry ako magpractice yesterday pero may chinese man don na pinapakialaman kung ano gagawin ko. he kept knocking in my window to pull it down and kept putting his hands inside the car. i was so pissed, i just wanted to leave. so di ako nakapagpractice ng maayos and now im getting really anxious because i felt like a failure again. at the same time, my mind keeps telling me na it's nothing worth being anxious about and to always think about things on a cosmic level. i don't feel so real anymore. i wish i didn't even wake up this morning. sana di nalang.

➹ july 28, '23

i already knew this wasn't gonna be easy because i've failed before. isang text mo lang, i fold. sayo nanaman ako. atleast in my head. hindi ko mapigilan i-check the very few socials i have of you. yung discord mo, oo nano-notice ko lahat because i've been used to checking it every day to see if there was something new with you. bagong status, bio, name, username mo.. na-notice ko lang inunlink mo na mga socials mo saka umalis ka sa lineups server kung san kita ininvite. you're still in goozers, though. i really hope you never see this kasi now that i think about it, i sure do look like an obsessive. it's embarrassing. but i just observe a lot. maski yung youtube video na last kong sinend sayo, puro check ako sa views to see if nagbago, naview mo na ba? i really need to get over this bc i can tell it's doing shit to my mental. tama ka naman. so i guess even if this time and space makes me really sad, magiging okay din in the end. you're just teaching me how to be by myself again, teaching me how to not need you.

AAAAAA i need to stop checking on your socials fr. it's driving me crazy how it's basically second nature for my hands and eyes to just tap on you and ur name.