but i'd do it again. i know that now. i'd make that promise a thousand times over and lose her a thousand times over to have heard her play last night or to see her in the morning sunlight. or even without that. just to know that she's somewhere out there. alive.

a day might just be twenty-four hours but sometimes getting through one seems as impossible as scaling everest.

but still, i find the need to remind myself of the temporariness of a day, to reassure myself that i got through yesterday, i'll get through today.

"you know, i thought about that a lot these last couple of years," she says in a choked voice. "about who was there for you. who held your hand while you grieved for all that you'd lost?"

i look at her there in the shadows of the shut-down city, her hair falling onto her face, and i can see her trying to figure out if i've lost it. and i have to fight the urge to take her by the shoulders and slam her against a shuttered building until we feel the vibrations ringing through both of us. because i suddenly want to hear her bones rattle. i want to feel the softness of her flesh give, to hear her gasp as my hip bone jams into her. i want to yank her head back until her neck is exposed. i want to rip my hands through her hair until her breath is labored. i want to make her cry and then lick up the tears. and then i want to take my mouth to hers, to devour her alive, to transmit all the things she can't understand.

there are so many things that demand to be said. where did you go? do you ever think about me? you've ruined me. are you okay? but of course, i can't say any of that.

"it's my turn to see you through," she whispers, coming back to me and wrapping me in her blanket as i lose my shit all over again. she holds me until i recover my y chromosome.

"you talked to me, but you didn't. i could see you having these two-sided conversations. the things you wanted to say to me. and the words that actually came out."

standing here, in this quiet house where i can hear the birds chirping out back, i think i'm kind of getting the concept of closure. it's no big dramatic before-after. it's more like that melancholy feeling you get at the end of a really good vacation. something special is ending, and you're sad, but you can't be that sad because, hey, it was good while it lasted, and there'll be other vacations, other good times.

in the calculus of feelings, you never really know how one person's absence will affect you more than another's.

i've blamed her for all of this, for leaving, for ruining me. and maybe that was the seed of it, but from that one little seed grew this tumor of a flowering plant. and i'm the one who nurtures it. i water it. i care for it. i nibble from its poison berries. i let it wrap around my neck, choking the air right out of me. i've done that. all by myself. all to myself.

whoever said that the past isn't dead had it backward. it's the future that's already dead, already played out.

COLLATERAL DAMAGE

first you inspect me / then you dissect me / then you reject me / i wait for the day that you'll resurrect me - "animate”

you crossed the water, left me ashore / it killed me enough, but you wanted more / you blew up the bridge, a mad terrorist / waved from your side, through me a kiss / i started to follow but realized too late / there was nothing but air underneath my feet - "bridge"

barrel of the gun, rounds one two three / she says i have to pick: choose you, or choose me / metal to the temple, the explosion is deafening / lick the blood that covers me / she's the last one standing - "roulette"

i'll be your mess, you be mine / that was the deal that we had signed / i bought a hazmat suit to clean up your waste / gas masks, gloves, to keep us safe / but now i'm alone in an empty room / staring down immaculate doom - "messy"

are you happy in your misery? / resting peaceful in desolation? / it's the final tie that binds us / the sole source of my consolation - "blue"

the boogeyman sleeps on your side of the bed / whispers in my ear: "better off dead" / fills my dreams with sirens and lights of regret / kisses me gently when i wake up in a sweat - "boo!"

needle and thread flesh and bone / spit and sinew, heartbreak is home / your suture lines, they sparkle like diamonds / bright stars to light my confinement - "stitch"

someone wake me when it's over / when the evening silence softens golden / just lay me on bed of dover / oh, i need help with this burden - "hush"

the bow is so old, its horse hair is glue / sent to the factory, just like me and like you / so how come they stayed your execution? / the audience roars its standing ovation - "dust"