Suicide is and never will be the answer. It shouldnt be the first, or the third, or even the last solution to a problem. Suicide is not a disease, its not an epidemic, it's simply the inability to equalize the balance between using your coping resources, and pain. When you feel you've run out of coping resources and have no one left to speak to, or an outlet for your feelings, then the balance shifts, and the pain you feel from within becomes heavier and heavier, until it becomes something that you can no longer handle. Its not about being weak, it's not about being low or have no self esteem; everyone simply has a different way of coping with pain. Because everyone has a different way of coping with things, i am not exempt from this, nor am i a stranger to the strong imbalance of suicide. When I suffer from my own seemingly unbearable imbalance and move on to consider ending my own life, i always seem to talk myself out of it because in the end, i know deep down its not something i want. But i'm known to be impulsive, to act without thinking, to speak without control, so when the thought of suicide no longer is a thought, but transcends into a plan, then i begin to fear even myself. This is a record of the days when the thinking becomes planning, and the idea becomes a fear. This is not to show off, it's not a method to seek attention, not to beg for sympathy or pity - this is simply a tool i need to use to monitor the frequency of this imbalance in order to gauge my need for therapy to correct this, before it's too late.

• december 2008 to may 2009
• 11/19/11
• 11/23/11
• 05/17/12