- My fault...
- I have hurt my friend... terrible guilt...
- I think we became close friends when we gave each other truth. I guess it was only in my head that I could still tell her everything and we could overcome whatever it was. But she changed...
- That night, I couldn't stand how she got upset over something I didn't fully understand as she knows most things beforehand, so I told her the truth of exactly what I felt in the past year, and how I didn't understand any more. "I feel like you have been so distant. And you are not listening to me any more." It hurt her... "How dare you?" she said... And what was worse was that I was so anxious and had an anxiety attack. How I cried and having trouble breathing apparently freaked her out.
- What I wrote in June. Some more words unsaid...
- I was so stuck in my head and overlooked her effort. I took a lot of things for granted. I did not know my place in her life. I thought we were close friends, as she was to me, and I asked too much, expect too much, and put too much pressure into this friendship. "We expect more from others because we are willing to do that much"
- She changed. We used to talk about everything, at least I thought we did. I am just realizing right now how time and the physical distance has brought us even further apart than however close we never were.
- I hate myself for not being able to see all that she has done for me. She's done so much more than she should. She didn't have to do anything for me. But she took me in and spent as much time as she could with me, and I was just a friend. I am selfish and inconsiderate. I was suffocating her. I wish I took in all the hints that I was never close to her. Should have listened to Rin.
- My confusion... and anger... and sadness...
- "We are just friends. You are just someone from the other side of the world. You put too much pressure into this friendship." I didn't quite understand it at the moment. Then it came to me, and I felt something broke. And I simply didn't know what to do next. Is that what I am to all those I consider close friends? ... just a foreign friend.
- I went over the incident with two people. They both agree that I was very inconsiderate, but they didn't quite understand how it turn out to be like this. I am not sure if I described everything correctly and neutrally. I tried my best.
- I am mad at me being mad at her... But why can't it be simpler? Why can't we tell each other the truth and work on it any more? Why did she act like a different person when C was around? ... like she didn't say any of the things she said? Did she know what she said to me? I can't help but feel that she was a bit manipulative. This thought scared me. Is the feeling real? Or am I such an evil person that my subconscious creates excuses for myself? I don't know what's real any more.
- I really thought M was my closest friend. I shared with her so many things that I have never shared with others...
- The words I can't forget... hopefully I will leave them here.
- How dare you!?
- We are just friends. You are just a friend from the other side of the world.
- This is a small community we have here. Our families don'y usually let strangers in, but we took a chance with you. Seeing the way you acted last night, I can't believe I let you get close to my family and C's family - L and M and the babies. You are very creepy. I don't think I will be able let another stranger in again. The next time I bring a stranger in, it will be the person I am to marry.
- I forgive you. I don't want to spend any more time on you. I am moving on.
- C and I both expect never to see you again in Colchester.
- Go get a burger from Harry's. Say goodbye to Emma. It's the last time you will be here anyway.
- You are not my close friend.
- I feel like a creep, a monster. I don't know exactly what freaked her out. Was it my anxiety attack with trouble breathing? Or was it all that I felt in the past year? Either way, I am a creep, ain't I? I am simply a terrible human being.
- I feel like I've lost two very close friends. I don't know what to do next.
- This is the 2nd thing, regret, mistake that will haunt me for the rest of my life. First was a lesson in love. Second is a lesson in friendship.
sep 27 2013 ∞
sep 29 2013 +