4/16

• I somehow can't believe anything nice that people say to me. I firmly believe that they are being polite or just being nice. If what they say are true, why do I have to try so hard to feel loved?
• I feel like I need to say no to people. My life is occupied with other people's shit. All that's in my mind and all that I need to do have made zero progress.
• I value friendship or any relationship too much. I am putting too much effort into pleasing and caring about others. I am going nowhere.
• I don't want to be sweet or nice any more. All I get is the feeling of bitter emptiness at the end of each and everyday.

4/15

• so much emotions, so much tears, so much pain... let my heart burst.
• no one to talk to, yet i refuse to get close with anyone new. what am i afraid of... more pain?

4/13

• Went out with cousin Steven. Pretty fun. :)

4/12

• Fatigue and migraine. Not good sign.
• I can't remember Wednesday and Tuesday. I feel like I skipped them.
• My room is freezing, even when I am in my bed. I took home my winter cloths too early... :(

4/11

• I feel like time is going faster and faster everyday!
• Rainy day is calming. I love rain. If I don't need to work on rainy days, it'd be even more awesome!
• I guess nothing happened yesterday. Upset in the morning, forgot it in the afternoon. I guess it's not bad that I have memory problems...

4/10

• I am flawed, and so are my relationships with people. I got really upset today when some flaws surfaced and my best friend took advantage of my weaknesses. I sometime wondered why I keep this friendship, as I feel it is somewhat emotionally abusive.
• Anger never stay with me for long, but depression always find me. I wish I can find a way to shut my emotions completely. It is such a burden and a distraction.
• I am going to sleep then wake up like nothing happened.

4/9

• I don't think anyone will believe me, as I also question myself often... Too many things I dreamed of came true. It was pretty interesting at first. So far, they are harmless stupid things. But what about those terrible dreams... This is simple nuts.

4/8

• Under the light, we are all casters of shadows. Be the light.

4/7

• Drama queens are born to be. I can never be one... I can only attempt to imitate one with sarcasm.
• Everyone has the need to be needed.
• You don't just move on when you love someone.

4/6

• I am scared of you because I love you.

4/5

• Hosting a birthday party for someone else is fun but clean up by yourself is not that fun... worth it though, I think.

4/4

• I am annoyed that I am annoying. I guess I know why no one wants to talk to me.

4/3

• People with native English tongue tend to misuse the word "love".
• My mind is sharper when I am not as depressed.
• Inspiration doesn't always lie in despair or with broken hearts.
• I am broken. But I want my friends to be as happy as they can. If I can, I would carry all their weights and sadness. Let me be the only broken one.

4/2

• I am always doing everything on my own. I don't understand why. I want help and need help, but maybe I don't know how to ask, don't ask enough, or just no one cares, I have to study and learn everything and then fail most of the times. Blindfolded, I am walking out my own road even on the path of others.
• I don't remember anything. So I note things down. Now when I "remember" too much because my notes, I only have myself to blame. More specifically, sometime I feel like maybe I shouldn't note down birthdays and celebrate for the others. I don't celebrate anything in my own life. For a while when I didn't need to write down my birthday on every single document, I didn't remember it.
• I think we need art in our lives. It's the food for our souls.

4/1

• I read some of the things I wrote a long time ago. I was a poet! Wooo! What happened to me?

3/31

• My English skills is not very good. My Chinese is terrible. I generally don't have an efficient language to communicate to other people.

3/30

• The other week, I spent 3 days in silence, UN-purposely. Just a sad interesting fact.
• I don't work hard enough. At this rate I won't be able to get above 90% on GRE. That is an Asian F.

3/29

• No one really pays attention to what I say. That's why I don't really bother correcting myself every time I say something wrong.
• No one really wants to help out with the project, possibly because no one (including myself) thinks I can do it, because I usually give up on everything. I need to achieve something before I can get actual help.

3/28...

• I love rain: the nature of water, the sound of drops, the cool breeze, the smell...
• I am a rational idealist. My mind is a scientist. My soul is an artist. I am idealistic but I know exactly where most of these thoughts will take me; often, I just let my emotions take the wheel.
• I think I understand workaholics now. Keeping my eyes on career is potentially to fill the emptiness with some sense of achievement. I knew the logic, but now I really feel it.
• My night is most active at night right before I sleep, causing insomnia and random inspirations.
• I have way too many dreams and hallucinations that became reality... this is crazy and scary... and stupid, because nothing useful.