9/3

• Letters are more emotional and more difficult than expected.
• Somehow wouldn't stop bleeding after donating blood today. hmmm.

9/4

• It's like a game. Whoever gives up first loses.
• Write my thoughts away.
• I tried not to be bitter. I think I wasn't.
• Interesting and delicious Italian for lunch.
• "When I am sad, I just stop being sad and be awesome instead."

9/5

• hmmm, interesting

9/6

• Excited!
• The Italian Job:

"John Bridger: I feel so optimistic. How do you feel? Charlie Croker: I'm fine. John Bridger: Fine? You know what "fine" stands for, don't you? Charlie Croker: Yeah, unfortunately. John Bridger: Freaked out... Charlie Croker: Insecure... John Bridger: Neurotic... Charlie Croker: And Emotional. John Bridger: You see those columns behind you? Charlie Croker: [looks behind him and sees the pillars] What about them? John Bridger: That's where they used to string up thieves who felt fine. Charlie Croker: After you."

9/16

• Booked my tickets to Portland today. Daaaaaa don't want to leave Don't WANT TO LEAVE DON'T WANT TO LEAVE YOU!
• Maybe come back later?
  • might not be a good idea to bother people...

9/17

• Slightly stressed and frustrated with (what I realized was) the "irrationality and dependency". gaaa but a good thing at the same time.
• Awkwardness with relationship questions. Ah, only Jolley would ask ("love department" haha didn't get it at first). Appreciated, but I have nothing fun or positive to share. This is actually quite interesting from an observer's point of view: want someone to care but don't want to spread the negativity so keep everything to self... totally going to die along in the woods. Ah, maybe ocean is better. lol
• "We expect more from others because we are willing to do that much." I think that is a very selfish thing... but very true... Okay, focus on what I have, stay positive, look at the fun side. Smile, makes everything better!!!
• Ga!

9/18

• pancakes!
• "Office Heroes" is such a cool band name. I should register it before someone else takes it.
• fortune cookie from yesterday: "Simplicity of character is the natural result of profound thought. :)"
• Ah, I feel like I ruin everything... not a good feeling... :(
• Blew my mind: therapist -> the rapist!
• Felt really sad that I didn't get to say good bye to the babies. Maybe it's for the best. ah, life...
• no emails... );

9/19

• nice walk around Colchester while Kenz work on paper. Moms power-walked passed me... got starbucks coffee. Pumpkin spiced latte, i think it's regional special.
• I am not sure... anxious; close to an attack at the brewery so just got drunk real fast... caused troubles with all the waitresses, and ruin everything else... really hate myself tonight. I really hope I can make the next two days good for K and C. I have got to be less selfish!
• nice walk around Colchester to just watch the moon and the stars and took (failed/blurred) photos.

9/22 write down everything... clear my mind, hopefully, so I can put it aside for now.

• Feeling guilty and upset for feeling all those feeling and for being me... just a big bundle of fun.
• I felt something broke. Nothing is what I thought they were... I don't want to be vulnerable and weak in front of anyone again.
• It has been rough. I am forgetful but somehow the worst things that have been said to me stay forever in my mind - echoing, playing again and again in my head. Reminders. I deserve it. I guess I need it as well.
• Where's my place now? I wish it's easy like Math and Science. I can draw a map to show exactly how close people are to my heart. But I am just lost on their map.
• The only reason I can keep myself together is that wonderful smile and kindness. I wish I can see it again. Do I deserve to see it again?
• Now I just want to be the best I can be for those around me. "act like I don't care with tears on the other cheek"
• bury deep.

Saw "Prisoners" with Ama, it was really heavy. I couldn't stop thinking about C... and all that M have said to me. I am creep, she said. I feel like a monster...

• So heavy, but don't know if I should talk about anything any more...
• Think about that smile and writing things down. I am holding myself together better than I expected.
• I think writing it down on the internet really helps - not really talking to anyone but with glimpse of hope that someone will hear at some point...

9/23

• I hate how I can't stop tearing up when I am alone.
• I've just realized... I can't talk to either M or C. I feel so much guilt that I am scared to talk to them. I know I don't deserve to be in their lives. What can I do?It's another vicious cycle just like Portland. Another regret that I have to carry with me.
• Daniel asked about it. I don't know if I can explain the whole thing again right now.
• Just two people? Much more than that to me. That is the problem, she said. I wonder if anyone ever understand exactly what it means to me.
• Walked around Boston today like a tourist. Took a lot of pictures like a tourist.