Tomorrow, I am going to go to a trans pride event with a friend who I haven't seen in about 8 years (is he really a friend at that point? Regardless, I've been wanting to hang out with him recently.). I felt so elated at him telling me he was also going to this event that I didn't really stop to consider that I don't *really* know him all that well... and now I feel a similar feeling of dread in my chest as when I considered going alone, feeling still like I'm going by myself, but also feeling trapped into going because I already said I would go. He said I could tag along but hasn't mentioned what time he'll be going / organized any rides. My partner, I think, can go as well but I doubt he wants to; he hasn't expressed any interest in doing so. I guess more than anything I'm scared of being alone in the case of anything happening to me.

When I was robbed in December 2024, I felt very frustrated and lonely. My boss still expected me to close by myself despite being robbed only an hour into my shift and despite telling my partner about it while I was still at work, he didn't do anything to comfort me when I got home until I broke down into tears over it and my frustration with how my coworkers and management dealt with the situation. I don't ever want to feel alone like that again but I believe the reality of my life is that I probably will. Through health crisis, death, fear. I have my father's lovely habits of shutting down and pushing through all my problems instead of talking about them, which doesn't help me— that and recently I've been finding it extremely difficult to cry.

I know I'm catastrophizing. But my body is telling me something is going to happen and I don't know how to shut it off.

Thinking about inviting one of my closer friends but he himself isn't trans or queer as a whole so I feel almost guilty involving him in something that my psyche is telling me is dangerous, if that makes sense? Even though I believe allies should be more involved, but. I don't know. I think he has his nephew to take care of anyways. I'll see how I feel about it.