How it looks like?

• shaming or minimizing other’s or your own struggles and for not having a positive attitude
• ideologies like ‘everything happens for a reason’ / ‘it could be worse’
• dismissing or denying negative emotions or hiding your true feelings behind ‘good vibes only’ or ‘feel good’ quotes

There are many other manifestations of toxic positivity in other areas such as overworking and feeling the unstoppable need to always improve and grow (wanting to always be better also implies that you are never truly good enough), always seeing the best in others and turning a blind eye on any faults they have because they are ‘good on the inside’, being too quick to forgive others because you don’t like holding a grudge, etc.

Why do we do it?

• It’s a mask. We are afraid to let others know that we are weak inside and we want to be perceived as strong and dependable
• It’s a maladaptive coping strategy. For some people, looking at the positives may be the only way to give meaning to their own struggles (eg. after an abusive relationship, someone may think ‘im stronger now because of it’ to bring meaning into the relationship and they may even believe it was ‘worth it’ because of all the strength and experience they’ve gained)
• Lack of empathy. We fail to recognize that the pain of others is independent of our own and we project ourselves onto others by telling them how they should feel
• Misguided beliefs. The media we consume makes us believe that we should avoid negativity and embrace positivity because society teaches us that negative emotions are bad and positive emotions are good but this is not the case. Emotions are just signals and there is no such thing as good or bad emotions
• Wanting to be accepted. Positivity is attractive and in society, popular people seem happier and more positive

Why it’s dangerous?

• Staying oblivious to real harm. By avoiding the negative emotions, it becomes harder to recognize your true feelings. Especially with abusive relationships, it is the optimism that things will eventually get better that gives victims more reason to stay with their abusers
• Dehumanizing yourself and eventually self isolation. Suffering is part of what makes us human, when we deny suffering, we deny part of our humanity and isolate ourselves from others because we feel ashamed of having negative emotions in the first place
• Drawing people closer to harm. When we simply dismiss someone and say ‘don’t worry about it it’ll be fine’, we are implying that there is no struggle going on. It shuts down the conversation and leaves no room for them to open up.

How to avoid it

• Through awareness and understanding what toxic positivity is, we can better detect it and avoid it.