Sometimes I wish I:

• Was a small turtle.
• Was a Taoist monk.
• Was married to A.O. Scott and/or Michael Phillips.
• Had the guts to chuck it all and adopt a permanent hermitry.
• Lived in an Alaskan log cabin, dividing my time between the necessary schooling of ignorant little Alaskan children and kicking back in my recliner, chain-smoking and watching old Bollywood films with a constant finger of whiskey at my side, while my husband slaved over a hot stew and our matching Welsh Corgis played on the rug at my feet. Kind of like a rural Alaskan Belle/Gaston situation except, you know, reversed.