; — j*n,

aaaa do i miss having a best friend so much. i miss when we'd hang out and talk allll day. i miss watching you play horror games. i miss hanging out with you and k*n, just the 3 of us being idiots. i wish all of it was real. during these times where i've been abandoned by everyone else, i think of how you'd be here for me right now. i wish i stayed completely ignorant to the truth. selfish to say, but i don't really care right now. you gave me so much hope in my life. you made me believe life could get better for me, that maybe it wasn't going to be like this forever. it's been ~4 years and i still cannot function like i used to. i don't trust anyone anymore, not even a little bit. everyone's got some sort of hidden motives. i hate that you showed me so much kindness and care because it made me believe there are people like that out there. i can't believe in something like that anymore. you're the only person that saw me for who i was, the one person that understood me. you're the only person that advocated for me and that put so much effort into learning about me, especially my disorder. you have helped me in immense ways that i don't believe anymore could be possible unless it was for something sinister. you shined such a bright light into my life and for all of that to be fake, i can't understand. i haven't been the same. if i wasn't a shell then, i am now. there is just no point. thank you so much for all of it, but god i fucking hate you so much for it.