• I'm in a wee bit of a thinky spin just lately - it's neither positive nor negative, hopefully a wee bit constructive, if it is then I reckon that makes the analysing positive as long as it's balanced & controlled, which it seems to be - so I've been pondering a lot about a lot (usually at a ridiculously fast pace before I end up going off on a tangent and then the original train of thought has to become a callback - like that comedy technique stand-ups use).
• I'm not cool. I don't really know how to really fit in anywhere, but I don't feel like I'm on the outside anymore either; I just sort of exist alongside but independent of certain social groups and relationships. I've also been on my own so long that I don't really know how to be any other way. My 'self' is kind of quirky and I have (what I've found to be) a lot of fairly unconventional ways about me or slightly controversial views about things.
• I realised, back when I was with my ex it was like I was inside this big thick perspex box where everything was quieter/dulled, out of focus, so many things were untouchable, it was lonely even when I was surrounded by people, it felt like I was separate from the world while I was still amongst it, where I couldn't really fully connect with anything... I felt kind of trapped & sometimes claustrophobic, like I was suffocating/asphyxiating slowly (you know that bit in Deadpool, in the tank where they repeatedly cut off the oxygen but then restart again). Because it was like a display box I always felt like I was being watched & judged, that I was never doing a good enough job at what was asked of me or possible for me to do within the boundaries of that box. I almost didn't even conceive of what it might be like to live outside of that box, I was inside it so long that it was all I knew.
• It snapped into place & started off like a protective bubble when I was 10 because something happened that drew a line under my childhood. It got reinforced as I felt ignored, like my suffering & confusion wasn't worth being acknowledged by anyone. Bullying began at school & continued quite consistently for the rest of my school years, the bubble became more square, sharper edges, clearer lines to show where the outside ended. In my mid to late teens, I started to paint my square bubble to try & draw attention (mostly in shades of black & very very dark grey).
• Then I met T, & saw something in him that made me think we were kindred spirits, over time he moulded & strengthened that surround until it became like a thick perspex box, with all those qualities I described. I lived in that box, the dense/thicker one for nearly 10 years. Nothing anyone said convinced me I could get out, it felt like I deserved to be in there until I was 'better', until I got things right - bottomline: I thought I was a bad person and therefore unworthy (of pretty much anything, I used to say sorry so often when I examined it after the split, I realised, I was mostly just saying sorry for existing).
• At some point I became the pinnacle of miserable, just the right cocktail of everything I was thinking, feeling, had experienced, been conditioned by, etc. came together & made me realise... I cannot stand to live another day like this. Suddenly, things people had said seemed more believable, I felt like I had nothing to lose so why not cast of my shackles as it were. I spoke to my family & to a couple of new online friends I'd acquired (an older couple, we met for coffee & talked in person too). I gathered everything that was left in me, every last bit of strength, determination, desperation & hope... & I left him. I dismantled our lives, everything I'd known since I was 16, the only experience or point of reference I knew as an adult human being & I stripped it all away.
• The box shattered & all that was left were shards, my interactions with the world were more direct, my boundaries were mostly gone; with exception of the shards which broke down in time once I was able to stop doing & thinking the things that had helped form & secure me in that prison. I had to work out who I was as a single adult female for the first time in my life, because most of what once defined me was gone & everything else was being questioned.
• Sure, like a kid at a birthday party who's parents don't let them have sweets, I stormed ahead into things for a while, without much forethought. Because I didn't have experience to draw on & I was overwhelmed by my freedom; while also like teenagers often do, trying to figure out my identity & where I fit in the world. There were definite growing pains.
• Today, 6 years since I left that toxic relationship behind, I have no walls, everything is vivid & I'm immersed.

I'm definitely okay with being not cool, I'm okay with having my own silent disco, my own 'code', quirks & ways of being. I can finally hold my head up & say, I'm Not a bad person & I Am worthy :) I can also say, I'm ready for a relationship now. I'm ready to take a chance on something, share my life with somebody & for them to share theirs with me. It's daunting because I don't know what that would be like but I'm hopeful that if I persevere & I'm patient, I'll meet someone who works in so many ways with who I am now. I've been dating here & there but it's been unsuccessful so far, however I've learned so much from those experiences so even the ones that felt like they knocked me off my feet then kicked me while I was down, I'm grateful for all of it. Those interactions & experiences helped me form a clearer idea of what I'm looking for in someone I'd consider dating, & what kind of treatment I'm willing to or won't accept from someone I'm considering; I'm also much better at identifying red flags, knowing when to pull the parachute cord (or push their ejector seat button) & I bounce back much more quickly because I stay where I am. By that I mean I don't think ahead or inject them into some hypothetical future, I take it like a video game & wait to see what unfolds as things go on; but admittedly, occasionally I rage quit, then take a time out to focus on myself & everything which is already part of my life, & that's what I'm doing now.