Recently I've realized that a lot of my decision making recently has centered being trans and that realization has really frightened me. Naturally, when I was making these decisions, I took notice that being transgender was a contributing factor; the most major of these decisions being my major which was originally education but then was changed to psychology (then dental hygiene... then back to psychology) and while I do enjoy psychology, I worry I'm not suitable for the work. I feel like education is where my heart lies but I worry about my safety and stability given the recent controversy with Mel Curth.

I guess I didn't truly realize the weight of this decision and didn't consider it. I mentioned I eventually decided to go with dental hygiene instead, so I guess that's probably why I didn't think about it too hard? I figured it was also pretty safe (given I'd be masked at work and on testosterone for two years by the time I graduated). My main reason for doing this was because I wanted to finish school as fast as possible with the least amount of debt (the program was a two year program). But the program itself would be an 8-5, Monday through Friday schedule for two days straight— meaning I would hardly be able to work, if at all. However, that's just not sustainable with the arrangements between me and my partner.

Back to my realization, I recently had an argument with my partner. I invited someone we didn't like to a trans pride event, not because I wanted to invite specifically her, but because I was frightened to go by myself and she was the only other queer person I knew who would be able to go to me. The woman herself has said some... racist things, unfortunately, and he felt disrespected by my decision to invite her, which I feel terrible about considering it takes a lot to make him feel disrespected. But it made me realize that I only made that decision because of the fear that I have felt since transitioning.

To be clear, I am so much happier with myself now that I've finally started HRT. I don't think I could live without it now, and I can't imagine never starting. I feel like the doors to my life have finally opened. But I have also never been more scared of talking to people in my area, of going to pride events, of being near my family, especially given that I live in a red state. Even though I am my truest self, I have never felt more alone in my life; I feel like even my partner doesn't understand me despite being trans himself, and it's not because he's never tried but because I didn't realize how much fear is a determiner in my everyday life now. And it's painful because I feel like before starting HRT, I was so much more assertive. Now I feel like I'm not afforded the space to be assertive or sure of myself or my safety.

Anyways, I've resorted back to writing which I hopefully remain consistent with. I feel like I'm able to find myself more the more that I write, whether that just be drabbles or through diary entries such as this. I have been documenting my thoughts on private accounts and abandoned sites for a while but I think it would help to write here where I know no one and have no associated memories, and where the site itself is not intended to be a social app.

I guess I just really needed to get this off my chest. I don't have many trans friends, certainly none in real life, and the closest one who understands me best lives in another country...