a collection of my personal favorites from "213 Things Skippy is No Longer Allowed to Do in the U.S. Army"

• 2. My proper military title is “Specialist Schwarz” not “Princess Anastasia”.
• 29. The Irish MPs are not after “Me frosted lucky charms”.
• 35. Not allowed to sing “High Speed Dirt” by Megadeth during airborne operations. (“See the earth below/Soon to make a crater/Blue sky, black death, I’m off to meet my maker”)
• 37. Our medic is called “Sgt Larwasa”, not “Dr. Feelgood”.
• 38. Our supply Sgt is “Sgt Watkins” not “Sugar Daddy”.
• 43. Camouflage body paint is not a uniform.
• 45. I am not allowed to “Go to Bragg boulevard and shake daddy’s little money maker for twenties stuffed into my undies”.
• 58. The following words and phrases may not be used in a cadence- Budding sexuality, necrophilia, I hate everyone in this formation and wish they were dead, sexual lubrication, black earth mother, all Marines are latent homosexuals, Tantric yoga, Gotterdammerung, Korean hooker, Eskimo Nell, we’ve all got jackboots now, slut puppy, or any references to squid.
• 61. If one soldier has a 2nd Lt bar on his uniform, and I have an E-4 on mine It means he outranks me. It does not mean “I have been promoted three more times than you”.
• 62. It is better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission, no longer applies to Specialist Schwarz.
• 81. May not bring a drag queen to the battalion formal dance.
• 84. Must not use military vehicles to “Squish” things.
• 87. If the thought of something makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it.
• 100. Claymore mines are not filled with yummy candy, and it is wrong to tell new soldiers that they are.
• 102. Rodents are not entitled to burial with full military honors, even if they are “casualties of war”.
• 118. Burn pits for classified material are not revel fires - therefore it is wrong to dance naked around them.
• 145. I should not drink three quarts of blue food coloring before a urine test.
• 146. Nor should I drink three quarts of red food coloring, and scream during the same.
• 177. I am not to refer to a formation as “the boxy rectangle thingie”.