The tough part of dancing is not the pain, the hard steps in the choreo, the mistakes, but the willing. I always used the dance to help me control my emotions and to help me feel something real, but sometimes the empty won't let go, making me even sadder after the practice. My mind starts yelling at me that's not worth it to keep going because it's nothing important actually. The tiredness not only through my body but in my head too. Why am I even doing this? It's my fault that I only chooses hard songs to learn.

And I'm alone here, there's no one to cheer me up and tell me I'm doing good, because nobody can see me struggling and looking like a mess.

Okay, there are better days, but most of them are not that good. I try to trick my mind and be proud of myself, but there's always something lacking, and even if I just have to practice and improve my skills, the only thing I can think about is giving up. You know, just stay in my bed watching choreo videos of songs I'll never learn because I can't, because I'll fail or won't look good, and no one deserves to see that.

I lock myself in my room and practice. Sometimes I feel proud and compliment myself, sometimes I cry in anger asking no one why I'm so bad at this and why I'm still trying.

The tough part of dancing is when the conflict inside my head don't let my body work how it should. But since there's just me watching this mess, I'm the only one that can do something to help myself.

And I don't know how much or until when I can handle it.