my liberation notes 2022

[ep. 1-8]

• how can you spend every day of your youth going home?
• if i imagine that i'm sitting here working next to you, even awful tasks like these turn into something beautiful. work becomes bearable. i'm playing a role of a woman who is loved. a woman who has everything she needs. right now, i love someone, and that someone is supporting me. so i want to imagine i'm at peace. that i'm already enjoying the good times that i'll be spending with you. that's how i want to think of it. rather than going through exhausting, difficult times without you, isn't it more admirable that i'm finding strength thinking of you?
• if we had lived in seoul, would we have been different? no matter where i lived... i think i would have been the same. regardless of where i lived, my life would have been just like this. i'd be living the same mundane life and no one would ever be interested in me. i felt like if i lived like this for too long, i'd shrivel up and die. that's why i invented you. you, who i'll meet someday. to you, at least... i wouldn't be that ordinary, right? i don't know who you are. i don't even know where you are. and i've never met you. who... are you?
• you can afford to have a good outlook if you have money. the saying that love makes you kind has some truth to it. whether it's money or a man, if you have something, you become positive, but... do i have a man or any money? i have neither. so how am i supposed to be positive and have a good outlook on things? i thought i'd feel better if i had my hair done, but it just made me feel worse.
• i never play favorites. i hate everyone.
• that's the problem with the countryside, everyone ends up being friends.
• this era where you have to choose someone for yourself is way harder for me.
• it feels like i'm taking a detour because i'm too afraid to walk on the right path. but i've come so far away that i can't even dare to turn back.
• i like that you don't try to get attention from people with your words. that's why each and every word you utter is so special.
• i want all of us to be happy. as bright and cheery as a sunny day. without so much as a crease in our hearts.
• i'm exhausted. i don't know where it all started to go wrong, but i'm exhausted. every relationship feels like work. every moment that i'm awake... feels like work. nothing ever happens. no one ever likes me.
• no man would fall in love with a woman who says she'd pick up their lover's severed head.
• if you think about it, all the assholes in my life started with that same look in their eyes. eyes that seemed to say, "you're not good enough." it makes you feel so small. like you're insignificant. it was that look that made us sick and exhausted. repetitive relationships you jump into to find something to love about yourself, only to come out of them even more sure of how unattractive you truly are. where should we look for the answer?
• i want to live alone and use the air-conditioner all i want. somewhere i can't hear anyone else's voice.
• why do you act like you've done something wrong when you're asking for what's rightfully yours?
• there will be people who frustrate you anywhere you go, and those people will never change. then that means it's me who has to change but i don't want to let go of this anger i feel. my anger is perfectly reasonable. it's so hard to suppress this reasonable anger each time. there are people who suck at their jobs but don't want to be criticized. they call me condescending whenever i open my mouth. so i tell myself to just hold it in.
• people are scared of thunder and lightning , but strangely i find them calming. "the world might finally come to an end... as i wished." it feels like i'm stuck, but i don't know how to get out. that's probably why i hope everything ends all at once. "i'm not unhappy but i'm not happy either." "i wouldn't care if the world ended now." "everyone is on their way to their graves, so why is everyone so happy and excited?" sometimes, i think that people who are damaged are much more honest than those who live their lives happily.
• good going, wasting your money just to get uglier.
• he always holds back. he takes a step forward but then stops.
• even the people i think i like, if i stop and think about it, they all have things that make me uncomfortable. there's not a single person that i truly like. i'm wondering if that's why i'm being drained without realizing it.
• even if the other person blows hot and cold, i won't let myself sway. i'm going to just keep liking them. wouldn't that be better than dealing with people without any purpose? i want to try living differently.
• look. i got this pair of shoes for 160,000 won but they tried to sell me two pairs for 240,000 won. who are they kidding? one pair will be enough until i die. i buy only one pair of underwear at a time too. they'll all go to waste when i die, so why stock up? i mean, it wouldn't be surprising even if i died today.
• i was looking for someone who'd make me look like a better person. a boyfriend who'd make me look better. even with all my picking and choosing, i never fully supported him. i wanted him to be more successful than i was, but not too much. i've never given my everything to someone or vice versa. i'll never do something like that again. if my partner finds success and i'm afraid of losing him, i'll gladly let him go. even if he hits rock bottom, i won't be embarrassed of him. even if everyone points the finger at him, i'll treat him as i always did and just support him. even our own parents never gave us that kind of support.
• i think it's okay to say, "i'm offended, and what you did was wrong." but when you say, "apologize," it's like coming to a conclusion without even arguing that you're the victim, and they're the offender.
• apologizing used to be such an awesome thing to do. right? it used to be an act of bravery that took self-reflection and excruciatingly painful. i don't know when it turned into such a cowardly thing that's forced upon you. you never really see those brave, touching apologies anymore. it makes me quite sad.
• just forget about the grading system. my point is, don't limit yourself. you have the whole world trying to limit you. so why would you want to do that to yourself?
• it's arrogant how you're trying to change him.
• i can't help but wait for you to text me back. but i won't let it get to me and do the same to get even with you. i've always tried to silently get even with my ex-boyfriends. i'm done with it. i love that i don't have to measure your affection. all i need to do is worship you. i love it.
• i should've kept my distance. i let them in too much. sometimes i'm okay with it. but other times... i hate the sight of people moving around in front of me. i hate it more when they start talking. i have to listen to their gibberish and have to say gibberish back to them. what should i say? it's taxing to think of what to say next.
• out of the 24 hours in a day, i only feel okay for about a couple. and it's not like i even feel good, i just feel okay. i just try to get through the rest. it's been like that since i was little. when i looked at the kids running around happily, i was upset even at that young age. "what are they so happy about?" "why am i not happy like them?" "i eat and sleep. eat and sleep." "why do i have to waste such a long amount of time?" i'd be perfectly okay if i only get to live 8 years instead of 80. i don't do anything but i'm already exhausted. still, i drag myself along, like driven cattle. "let's keep going." "i don't know why i have to live, but let's have a decent life while i'm alive." that's how i barely manage to drag myself every day.
• when i'm drunk, i'm more human than i am when i'm sober.
• i think it's fate that i live like this. i'm like a drizzle. i may not have a big current of my own like the river or the ocean, but i'm like a drizzle that soaks people without them realizing.
• i worked hard to drive myself, like cattle on the range. i locked myself in that room and drank all winter. when i tried to sleep, there were bottles in the middle. i could've just pushed them aside but i couldn't even bother to do that. so i curled up around them like i was incubating an egg. i could've just throw them out. but it felt as if i was walking out of my own grave. completely hopeless. looking at the soju bottles, i thought... "i guess this is it for me." "there's no turning back now." today i did something i thought would take me forever to do. i wonder if i can sleep tonight.
• i'm not going to ask you what happened. i won't ask you where you're from. or why you moved here and keep drinking the days away. i don't care if you don't know how to write hangul or you don't know your abcs. i won't tell you to stop drinking either. and i'm not going to cling to you. i'll be done once i feel whole.
• i don't get how you can like someone so much that your heart pounds. it's not that i've never liked anyone that much. i've never really liked anyone that much. anyway, my heart only pounds when something bad is happening. when i'm embarrassed, when i'm angry, before a 100-meter sprint, it was always for bad things. my heart never beat fast because i liked someone. when i really like someone, i think the opposite happens. my heart beats even slower. like i've been freed from something. like i feel peace in my heart for the first time. i guess i'm just weird.
• when you're happy, you just are. but your heart pounds when you think you have a chance at something. like some kind of expectation. when something's yours, you just know. does your heart pound when you get paid? no, because it's yours. but when it's not yours and you know it's not, but you think you might get it if things work out that's when your heart starts pounding. relationships are the same. some married couples say, "i just knew you were the one at first sight." if you ask them, they say when they met, it was like "you're the one." their hearts didn't beat like crazy, but they were just like, "you're the one." you just know that it's yours. relationships are like that. there's nothing to long for. it's yours. rich people don't yearn for designer clothes. they just buy them. when you desperately long for something, your soul already knows deep down that it's not yours. you want it, but you know it's not yours. that's what drives you crazy.
• i go to work, finish work, eat, and sleep. every day is the same. so why do i keep looking at my watch? i think i feel a compulsion to live a productive day. but there's not much to show for it. i'm just constantly looking at my watch and being chased by time.
• why is it so difficult to tell someone you like them? it's not like you're telling them you hate them.
• you'll be surprised if you find out what kind of person i am. you know? i'm a scary person. i won't even blink if i was stabbed in the stomach. but... you scare me. i get nervous when you're in front of me. and that annoys me because it makes me feel like an idiot. but even though it annoys me... i still wait for you.
• which one do you prefer? having no emotions just like before, or being frustrated since you like somebody?
• i used to never understand why people took pictures of everything, but now i want to do it too. this is the food i'm eating right now, i wonder what you're eating. the things i'm doing. the things i'm seeing. why do i want to share them with you?
• i drink to feel calm. when i drink, it feels like the puzzle pieces that have been floating around in my head fall into place. it also makes me gentle, i think.
• well, they make new policies for the minority and the weak all the time. so how come there's no system that protects the minority and the weak in the world of dating?
• amnesia, my ass. if you're embarrassed, just be embarrassed. life is a series of embarrassment anyway. it's embarrassing from the moment you're born. you're born naked.
• all men are the same breed. you have a relationship with one and you know all there is to know. you're all the same breed. i know you want to believe that you're not, but you are. sense of inferiority and superiority, self-love, and self-hatred. you all have these things, it's just the percentage that differs.

[ep. 9-16]

• i used to not talk unless someone made me. "would anyone want to hear what i have to say?" but now, i just say whatever's in my head. it just comes out. and i have this feeling i've never had before. suddenly... i feel lovable.
• to tell you the truth, i did a lot of self-reflection. to all the guys who asked me out that i got so angry at. i repented my arrogance and decided to take a leap of faith and i think i did well. even if you get rejected, you can learn something if it's by a gentleman. i think i saw how dignified a person can be.
• if she was a normal woman from a normal family, would you still have hated her that much? i mean, what i'm saying is, don't deny your greed, and just take what you want. if you become rich? you won't hate her anymore.
• everything look bizarre when it's on the ground. it's just a nail, but why does it look like a woman's dead body?
• the family we'll have one day, will it be the same as the family we came from?
• you told them we were dating. why did you do that? you don't even know when i'll leave. this could've passed without anyone knowing.
• a long time ago... i saw this on tv. there's this famous cliff in the US where people commit suicide. and they interviewed people who survived after jumping off that cliff. they all said, when you reach two-thirds of the way down the cliff, whatever made you want to kill yourself, didn't feel like nothing anymore. just a few seconds ago, they thought dying was the only way out and jumped. but in just a few seconds, that feeling started to feel like nothing. i thought it would be the same for her. so i told her. "to a person who feels like living is so painful, getting therapy is reaching two-thirds of your way down a cliff without ending up killing yourself." and that she should see a therapist. i told her that. but she just jumped and died.
• "let's run away." telling myself that, i got on the train in a hurry. why do i feel sorry for you when i should feel sorry for myself? tae-hun, be bold. be bold so i won't have to worry about you.
• my dream is to be like you. living alone, with a bidet.
• you keep making things worse. today, i'll get my arm bit off, and tomorrow, a broken nose. misfortune should come in small doses, but you keep stopping them and making them bigger. i'm scared every time you stop them. "now it's gotten even bigger." "how bad is it going to be?"
• you... have to kill your instincts. you have to go to the city and numb them. so that instead of talking to frogs being crushed to death, you have to be able to sincerely talk about superficial stuff like other women do. until you get sick of it. until you're sick to death of men. women with sharp instincts can be scary.
• i guess you see right through him. just tell him to grovel. you should grovel when you're scared. but they always want to run away.
• idiot. it's not like i asked for a diamond. you were ready to let a dog bite off your arm. and yet, you find it hard to hold a woman? you think it's cool to endure pain with clenched teeth, and it's dull to have a cute, happy life with a woman? which is harder? getting your arm bitten off by a dog and getting your nose broken, or being nice to the woman you like? which do you think is harder?
• that son of a bitch. he treats being out of fashion as if it makes you a peasant.
• i guess it's natural that the asshole i hate hates me. but i probably hate him more. i loathe him. he may be somebody at work, but he's a nobody outside.
• i've never lived in a house where the direction of the wind changes and the moon is visible at night. i thought such houses only existed in fairy tales.
• there was only one thing i was curious about. "what am i?" "why am i here?" i didn't exist before 1991, and i won't exist in 50 years, but i feel like i existed before that and will still exist after that. the feeling that i'll exist forever. i've been frustrated by that feeling, and i've never, in my heart, ever, felt settled. i feel uneasy in bed, i feel uneasy around people. "why can't i laugh happily like other people?" "why am i sad all the time?" "why am i always nervous?" "why is everything so boring?" it feels like people are all scarecrows. they don't really know what they are. they're just acting as if they do. in a way, people who say they live healthily and happily may be the people who decided to put all these questions behind them. people who decided to lie and say, "this is just how life is." i'll never do that. i don't care about where i'll go after i die. i want to see heaven while i'm alive.
• but is it a good thing to make him anxious? why is it a good thing? he's anxious. you get anxious, and it drives you crazy. isn't that a bad thing? it's uncomfortable, isn't it? when a man and a woman like each other, shouldn't you give each other the fullest? why would you string it out in small portions? what is that? you'll be murdered if you feed someone like that. so why do i have to give out my affection like that? what's good about not getting enough? shouldn't you give as much as you can? getting anxious and playing hard-to-get... aren't they all bad things? rather than good?
• i once read a book about how to be a good writer to become a writer, and it said that a good drama is one where the main character tries hard to achieve something but can't do it. so i gave up. why would i write something that's like life? it's so boring.
• i'm not angry. you want to go back. you want to leave, and i could tell you not to or i could ask you to stay longer. i'm just sad. but i'm not angry. i don't know, i might be angry later.
• "i will not pretend to be happy." "i will not pretend to be unhappy." "i will be honest." i hoped every man who ever left me would be unhappy. as if i wanted all the people who saw how small i was to disappear from this world. i hoped they would die. but for you, i'm going to hope that you never even catch a cold. i'm going to hope that you don't suffer a single day of being hungover.
• what's the big deal of some guy leaving? he ran because he was afraid of being happy.
• when i wander around aimlessly, i can catch the briefest glimpse. "so that's what is in my head." the feeling of being abandoned.
• i think, i've come far enough. this isn't the right path for me. i don't have to force myself to keep walking on it. to tell you the truth, i don't have a specific goal in my life. money, women, honor... nothing. but... do i have to have a goal? can't i just live my life without one? i can't force myself to live for something i don't really desire.
• i know i'm not a perfect son or anything. but i haven't done anything i'm ashamed of. there are so many bad people out there, but i've never done anything to be an embarrassment to you. you work with machines. you don't have to talk to anyone, so you have no idea what it's like to work with people. but i still never lost my temper or got myself into trouble. it's not like i'm going to idle away for the rest of my life. "you've worked really hard." "take a break." can't you just say that?
• even when you don't know how you'll go on, if you pull yourself together, you can still find things that are bearable.
• to think that someone i saw in the afternoon passed in the evening...
• it's been a while since i drank beer. i know that it gets harder if i drink. i know if i drink just a little like this, it'll be harder on my way home. i live quite far away, you see. i know very well it'll be hard. but i don't want to be strong. i just want to be knocked out.
• do grown-ups get sad, too? when their moms are gone.
• i get weird when i'm with you. i keep saying things i've never thought of.
• you've come back as a different person in just an hour and a half.
• five minutes a day. if you have five minutes of peace, it's bearable. when i hold the door open for a kid at a convenience store and the kid says, "thank you," that makes me happy for seven seconds. when i open my eyes in the morning and remembers it's saturday, that makes me happy for ten seconds. fill up five minutes a day like that. that's how i survive.
• before, if i worked on the design all night and submitted it and they rejected it, i would think, "what did i work all night for?" even if i thought i did a good job, if they said no, all the work i did would go down the drain. i think i'm better suited for jobs that require precision over creativity.
• i thought i would be so cool when i turned 30, but it didn't turn out that way. and i thought, "how will i live in my 40s?" "and my 50s?" "what's the point of living?" "i should just die then." but at age 50? it's just the same. you become 50 years old before you realize it. i feel like i took a short nap one day when i was 13 and just woke up.
• now that i'm on my own, i feel sorry for pitying my friends who weren't married and living alone before. i realized i was arrogant. even if you live alone, it's fine. you can be perfectly happy. you can eat whatever you want, whenever you want, and sleep whenever you want. eating and sleeping... i had no idea that doing this simple things however i want was such a joy. even if i don't clean for a week, things stay where i left them.
• there was this guy i knew. he used to stare at the mountain every day. he said there were 7.7 billion people just like him on earth, but he didn't know how much 7.7 billion was, so he said if you replaced each human with a one-won coin, a total of 7.7 billion 1-won coins would be piled up to the size of that mountain. i realized i was just a tiny one-won coin and there was no need to make such a fuss through life.
• you should get paid to listen to someone else talking.
• do you want to break me down? you have to be with someone who's broken to feel alive and needed, but you must be bored to death since i'm doing just fine. i need to be sick and dying for you to passionately care for me, but i'm too healthy and working too hard, so you're so bored because i'm diligent and normal!
• that bastard shouldn't pay me back. because i want to prove what a terrible person he is for as long as possible. i want to prove to the world that he didn't leave me because i was small and insignificant, but because he was a terrible person. that's why he left me like that. i wanted to make him think that he was a terrible person during his wedding. and if he ever has a child, i want to go to their birthday party and remind him again that he's a terrible person. that's why i'm always exhausted. since i decided to be someone who exist only to prove how terrible someone is.
• you're like a sanctuary that i keep within my head. because i decided to keep you away from my hate.
• in every kind of relationship i've had, i've never walked away first. the other person always left me. so i thought maybe something was wrong with me. and since it was so painful to find a problem with myself, i made myself believe everyone else was the asshole.
• you know, how i always vent by talking? but i don't want to this time. this silence of mine. the stoic and cool me that only i remember. i won't do it because if i do, the weight of my silence will be lightened.
• i found the head of a rose that broke off from its stem and placed it in a soy sauce dish filled with water. even if i tried to make it stand, it doesn't have a stem, so i laid it in a soy sauce dish. wouldn't it be wonderful if our love was a long-stemmed rose blooming beautifully in a vase? this rose lying exhausted in a soy sauce dish reminded me of you and me. i'm afraid it would wither faster if i'm not looking so i can't take my eyes off of it. that's the kind of woman i am.