nana 2005

• back then, i wasn't really able to love someone properly. yet, i couldn't help but want to be loved.
• it's such a burden going through the process of finding a boyfriend and falling in love is exhausting. in the first place, i get too involved when i fall in love, i'm so involved that i lose sight of everything that's why things don't work out.
• back then, if i were a bit more mature, and a bit more understanding of your weaknesses, would our future have been different?
• i want to live in a fancy room, wear clothes that are in style, see the popular movies, buy the latest cellphone, get a driver's license, travel overseas. so i need to find a job. i need to work hard. if i think i'm doing it all for that, working can be fun.
• why was i clinging onto such a loveless man? every time we meet, we get under the covers and he tells me sweeet nothings. whenever we held each other at night, i vaguely had this vision that a day will come when this will turn to love. still, that was nothing but an illusion, i have finally awaken to the truth.
• a moon that's quite full, that's how i feel when i'm with ren. no matter how deeply we love each other, i'll bet there's no one who can really make me feel complete.
• maybe you too were struggling to feel complete, just like me. if so, then i can understand some of those feelings you had. does the new life you protected at all cost make you feel complete even now?
• what name do i give off that feeling that was born that night? sweet words like "love" or "adore" just don't sound right. perhaps envy and irritation mixed in with jealousy, and moreover, desire.
• each night, i could feel his sadness within me as he spilled it out without words. i feel it deeper than anyone else could ever do.
• i sometimes feel that this everyday life without ren is all part of a dream. especially on these nights when the snow falls heavily. on a cold night like tonight, someone, please keep him warm.
• ren was a bright light that lightened the boring life i lived until then. but no matter how hard i try, he still remains out of my reach.
• i want to talk with you face to face because i believe looking someone in the eye without any pretenses is like looking at yourself. if you look away you lose and i don’t want to lose.
• i actually would prefer that he leave me alone rather than have him half-heartedly show some affection towards me.
• if i were to die now, i doubt ren would die with me anymore. but that’s fine, that’s how it should be. i must be crazy for thinking that’s sad.
• i always thought life was about standing your ground, no matter how strong the current is. but going with the flow isn’t such a foolish thing after all, as along as you’re moving forward.
• the moment i saw that empty room, i felt that i had become lost in a lonely world where only i existed.
• all humans who want to see heaven end up in hell. does that mean desire is sinful?
• when i saw the broken glasses on the floor, i felt abandoned by everything in this world.
• hey, nana... back in those days i desperately wanted to be completely entwined with someone in a knot that could never be untied. but bonds between people can't be tied down. it's more organic than that, let's be bound by hand and foot.
• i'm suffering 'cause i can't fulfill his desires. i feel lonely 'cause i can't have my desires fulfilled. how can two people like that stay together and be happy?
• the things that stressed me out haven't changed. but i don't wanna lose anything so i thought that at least i should change. i'm lucky... that i'm afraid of losing something.
• we don't have matching things, we don't have to be the same. but it won't make me feel more connected.
• ever since i was little, i was always plagued by a feeling of being out of place. this is not my home, i don't belong here, no matter where i was.
• hey, hachi... i wasn't hurt that the mother who abandoned me had somehow managed to survive. but i was repulsed that she turned out to be such a plain, ordinary woman.
• i realized no matter how much you like each other... if you can't respect the things that are important to the other person, the relationship won't work.
• i don't know to what point it was real, and from where it all became a lie. it's not easy to erase the shock of being betrayed by someone you trusted.
• they say you don't realize how much you care for someone until after they're gone. but i think it's when you come face to face with that person once more that you truly recognize your feelings for them.
• if i saw everyone again right now... i know that i'd depend on them just as much as i did back then. i'm scared of that, that's why i can't move from this spot.
• the flow of time cleanses the past and heals the wound in people's hearts, but there are wounds that cannot be healed.
• since long ago, you've always loved helping girls who are stuck in some sort of a situation you had absolutely nothing to do with. that way, you can always play the part of the hero, right? but then, the moment you feel you're being pulled in, you let go of her hand. what an easygoing form of love.
• the last thing i remember is the strawberry glass falling down. the ones that we bought together in the beginning. that glass... i wonder... did i manage to save it? you know, hachi... i wasn't able to accept you because i was empty like a cheap glass. but compared to the loneliness of losing everything, i preferred the pain of cracking up. the fact that i was so fragile... isn't your fault.