See also "Jurassic Park" quotes

Albert Einstein

• “Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish on its ability to climb a tree, it will spend the rest of its life thinking it’s an idiot.”

Alice from Alice In Wonderland (Disney's 1951 version)

• "I give myself very good advice, but I very seldom follow it."

Benjamin Franklin

• "Some people die at 25 and aren't buried until 75."

Beyoncé

• "I sneezed on the beat and the beat got sicker." (from her song Yoncé)

Calhoun from Wreck-It Ralph

• "Flattery don't charge these batteries, civilian."

Clementine from the movie Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

• "Too many guys think I'm a concept or I complete them or I'm gonna make them alive. I'm just a fucked-up girl who's lookin' for my own peace of mind; don't assign me yours."

drag queen in the bathroom from the movie Trick

• "Have you ever had cum in your eye? It BUUUUUURNS!!"

Dwight Schrute from The Office

• "There are too many people in this world. We need a new plague."

E.E. Cummings

• "To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best day and night to make you like everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight and never stop fighting."

Edgar Allan Poe

• "Words have no power to impress the mind without the exquisite horror of their reality."
• “I became insane, with long intervals of horrible sanity.”

Ellen Degeneres

• "If we don’t want to define ourselves by things as superficial as our appearances, we’re stuck with the revolting alternative of being judged by our actions."
• “Here are the values that I stand for: I stand for honesty, equality, kindness, compassion, treating people the way you want to be treated and helping those in need. To me those are traditional values. That’s what I stand for.”
• “Normal is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work and driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for - in order to get to the job you need to pay for the clothes and the car, and the house you leave vacant all day so you can afford to live in it.”

Frank-N-Furter from the movie Rocky Horror Picture Show

• "A mental mind fuck can be nice."
• "It's not easy having a good time. Even smiling makes my face ache."
• “Don’t dream it. Be it.”

Harry Hart from the movie Kingsman: The Secret Service

• "I'm a Catholic whore, currently enjoying congress out of wedlock with my black Jewish boyfriend who works at a military abortion clinic. Hail Satan, and have a lovely afternoon madam."

Harry Potter books

• "I solemnly swear that I am up to no good."

James Kwiatkowski

• "Megan... a hooker from Oz called and she wants her socks back."

John Wayne Gacy

• "The only thing they can get me for is running a funeral parlor without a license."

Lori Beth Denberg from All That

• "If your bra is too tight, you're uncomfortable. If you're a boy and your bra is too tight, I'm uncomfortable."
• "Monkey see, monkey do. Monkey no see, monkey step in doo."
• "When it rains, it pours. When there's a nail in your eye, you go 'AHHHHH!'"

Madonna

• "Not only does society suffer from racism and sexism but it also suffers from ageism. Once you reach a certain age you're not supposed to be adventurous, you're not allowed to be sexual. I mean, is there a rule? Are you supposed to just die?" -- from a 1992 interview on the Jonathan Ross show (video HERE)

Mel Brooks

• "Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open hole and die."

Michael Scott from The Office

• “I’m an early bird and I’m a night owl. So I’m wise and I have worms.”

Mr. Peanutbutter from the cartoon Bojack Horseman

• "The universe is a cruel, uncaring void. The key to being happy isn't the search for meaning. It's to just keep yourself busy with unimportant nonsense. And eventually you'll be dead."

Pepper Potts from Iron Man

• “I do anything and everything that Mr. Stark requires. Including occasionally taking out the trash. Would that be all?”

Scott Pilgrim

• Scott Pilgrim: “Sweet, coins!”
• Roxy Richter: “You punched me in the boob! Prepare to die, obviously.”
• evil ex exchange
  • Ramona Flowers: “I was just a litte bi-curious.”
  • Roxy Richter: “I'm just a little bi-furious!”

Ted Schmidt (Scott Lowell) from Queer as Folk

• "I know there’s this part of us that thinks we don’t deserve to be loved. So we fall in love with someone we know we can’t have and is never gonna love us. And we fantasize about the day when all of a sudden they realize and see everything they’ve been missing, you know, and all our dreams come true. Only that day never comes and before you know it it’s your 40th birthday, it’s your 50th birthday and you’re still alone. Don’t let that happen to you. Love someone for real. Someone who loves you."

The Criminologist from the movie Rocky Horror Picture Show

• "Crawling on the planet's face - some insects called the human race. Lost in time and lost in space... and meaning."

Thoreau

• "Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined."

unknown

• "Each time you open a book and read it, a tree smiles knowing there’s life after death."
• "Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings."
• "I wear all black to remind you not to mess with me because I'm already dressed for your funeral."
• "I'm not sick. I'm twisted. Sick makes it sound like there's a cure."
• "My brain has no heart, and my heart has no brain. That’s why when I speak my mind, I appear heartless and when I do what’s in my heart I seem thoughtless."
• "When my absence doesn’t alter your life, then my presence has no meaning in it."
• “Surrealism is destructive, but it destroys only what it considers to be shackles limiting our vision.”

Yzma from the movie The Emperor’s New Groove

• conversation
  • Yzma: ”It is no concern of mine whether your family has... what was it again?”
  • Citizen: “Ummm... food.”
  • Yzma: “Ha!! You really should have thought of that before you became PEASANTS!”