- my sister, found and just like i remembered her. perhaps she is rough around the edges now, but wasn't she always? "spunky", that's what mom would call her. her sarcasm and sharp attitude was always reflected in her appearance. but the dark circles are turning a blueish purple, no longer just discoloured skin beneath her eyes. she hasn't slept, she hasn't eaten either. she is sick, my big sister is sick. everyday the distance gets larger between us, but this space we share only feels like its shrinking. i don't need space, i know i don't need space from her i've had too much space from her. all this time has changed the two of us, myself the most in appearance but mila the most in person and mind. i am not one to critique change, my identity from childhood lost entirely to a life on the run. but mila is so different than what i remember. my youth must have blinded me, my idolization of my missing sister taking over my brain. the touch has been minimal, my joyous embrace of her dying in a breath after i recognized the difference. she did not embrace me back. we are not siblings anymore, family was not forever to her. i see her in the kitchen sometimes, late at night while she steals food from the fridge. her dyed hair is so dead, it looks so rough. i want to care for her, i want to give her what she has lost but it is her that is lost. i do not have anything to do. i cannot do anything. my family, my sister, my mother, my "brother" nothing is recognizeable. how could a family be built on broken identities and lies? we cannot lie forever? is this family still forever? i want to find those glasses, see through that orange tinted fog once again. i miss my jacket, the khaki colour that felt like the only connection i had left to my home. i have nothing left in me, no family, no love left to give. this heart is hollow and this game of pretend i play with my so called sister only knocks against it. each thud reminding me how alone i still am, even when she is right there.
jul 1 2022 ∞
jul 1 2022 +