Or, as it's shaping up, "minute descriptions of having a crush on someone I shouldn't"

• discussing trying to feel hopeful but mostly feeling poignant, reminiscing together, wishing we were at a coffee shop instead
• "If you're overworking yourself, I will fight you!"
• "He's either the shyest guy in the world or... I don't know what to make of it."
• discovering that the tree that's been bare outside my window for the past several months is a cherry blossom tree!, sunlight filtering pink through my room
• cooking an incredible stir fry with chicken & veggies while listening to Queen II
• me, the cold distrustful bitter girl, feeling like we have met before, or like I have breathed in too much of your stardust
• leaning against the wall, listening for the voice on the other side, closing my eyes and savoring the moment
• a random boy marching through the hall singing Arctic Monkeys' "Do I Wanna Know?", this seeming like a sign of things to come
• "what are you doing here?", smiling at each other in awkward silence as he and I both tried to think of things to talk about so he'd stay longer - the way he kept saying "what else?"
• slipping a gift into his hand, watching it vanish into his suit
• the torture of never having touched
• watching his usual articulate manner just...fall to pieces, him anxiously spilling his entire work schedule to me without provocation
• an alluring invitation, cracking into a big smile and hiding it behind my hands "--Are you serious?" "Yeah!"
• going into a club meeting to find a briefcase on the desk where I always sit, smiling slowly, knowing its purpose
• and then watching him absolutely, blatantly come over and move it to the seat next to me after I sat down
• that moment of really, truly noticing someone's eye color up close for the first time, seeing the multidimensional little threads of gold and brown
• someone turning around, smiling wide, and raising their eyebrows at the way we were looking at each other. we should not have been spotted before we even know what the hell is going on
• trying to let ourselves be comfortable in the silence and desperately failing, leaning in towards each other, nervously swinging my patent heels, admiring his fancy buckled brown leather oxfords and his suit and this guy even coordinated his goddamn argyle socks. incredible.
• him lending me a book without me even asking - just because he thought I'd like it, or maybe because he wanted an excuse for me to come back
• getting a care package from my parents filled with baking mixes, granola bars, bath stuff, and coffee
• spending 10 hours straight studying trigonometry, getting it!
• getting a 93.3 on my first Trig quiz
• sitting in on a very advanced class and understanding most of it
• realizing how much I have to form my own opinions - I still trust other people too much
• my advisor telling me I should apply for a lab assistant job when I've met the prerequisites
• flying drones outside with him and a few others, it getting stuck in a tree and some random kid throwing his shoes at it to dislodge it, then almost flying one into a classroom
• building a robot while listening to The Fragile, deciding that's one of my favorite robot building "soundtracks"
• getting up to leave and him suddenly, frantically trying to keep me by asking questions
• drinking a lot of whiskey after a rough day
• walking around campus listening to The Last Shadow Puppets' "Sweet Dreams, TN", and walking into an open field as the strings picked up, seeing the cherry blossom trees and all the forests and mountains in the distance, feeling infinitely grateful to be alive and to have made it this far, to have finally escaped
• getting a letter of recommendation from my favorite professor, weeping madly for an hour with gratitude for the incredible things he said about me - seriously, the best compliments I've ever received
• "nobody had ever signed up for my lectures on advanced computer architecture, until her: she signed up 10 minutes after she left class."
• checking my old emails to see if that was true (it is), and being thankful that I made an impact on him
• being able to fill out the scholarship that I want as a result of this, feeling certain this letter could be my ticket to so much
• finding a briefcase on "our" desk again, being fairly certain this is now a regular thing and enjoying it immensely
• having to spell & pronounce my last name in front of everyone, him beside me saying in a dreamy tone, "That has a very nice ratio of letters to syllables." laughing and looking over, unable to believe he just said something THAT WEIRD in front of everyone "--What does that even mean!?" "It's 9 letters and 4 syllables. Not like Mississippi, which is 11 letters and 4 syllables." Being stunned, managing to reply "That is the strangest compliment that I've ever received. Thank you... I think."
• feeling like an idiot while studying & looking over to the wall, reading the letter, feeling better & motivated instantly
• getting a B on my second Trig quiz (not thrilled about it, but it's acceptable)
• spending 1 hour on Codecademy practicing Python
• making chicken soup from scratch
• him stopping by to see me on his way out, "How did you like it, was it worthwhile?" Smiling warmly at him, replying "Always."
• watching Liquid Sky, being amazed at the aesthetic and the androgyny and music and blatantly sexual everything
• "GO SIT IN THE FARADAY CAGE AND THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU'VE DONE"
• getting excellent deals from Loft - yay new skirts & a dress!
• discussing Liquid Sky, the conversation quickly turning dark and twisted
• "What did they use for the UFO? It looked like 2 dinner plates stacked on top of each other." "Um, I actually believe it was an IUD case." "...I'm choosing to believe that." "I'm going to look it up."
• watching Max's firefighting videos, learning that flames can be purple, holy sheep
• "It's truly a highlight for me to be able to recommend someone I see as full of potential as you."
• having a sudden, shockingly serious conversation with him that started in concern and ended in us feeling closer and more comfortable
• reading about purple aliens
• him announcing to everyone, "hang on, I have to go... do something in my office.", then returning with a printed copy of an article he wrote and handing it to me
• finally, for the first time, we touched: brief hesitation before our fingers (maybe accidentally, maybe on purpose) brushed against the other's as he passed the frame back to me - time slowed down, I was honestly surprised there was no static shock
• smiling to myself as I thought of Electric Six: "Danger, danger - high voltage!"
• thinking about Chris, then going into my closet to look for something and finding his old guitar picks, instantly becoming reduced to a weeping mess, wondering if I will ever be okay
• deciding to thrive on the chaos, chugging coffee, plunging into trig and engineering courses and everything
• S randomly talking to me... For every hour that I'm not asleep
• getting 2 emails in a row after I didn't respond for 5 days