God bless muh' Lon'guyland roots; and therefore the divine bestowing upon me a blessing of a Dunkin' Donuts for every street corner. This phenomena has led to my consumption of way too many of these things (most of which are very scary, I know, and I've still accepted)...

• strawberry frosted donut with colored sprinkles
  • when I was like five (obviously this was way before my actual Dunkin' Donuts addiction) my grandpa would always bring one of these home for me when everyone around me got excited about drinking coffee
• Munchkins (preferably glazed with jelly)
  • I've always been the only one I know who ate (and really, really liked) the jelly-filled ones whenever there was any sort of conceivable "party" situation in a school setting and someone would make a limp attempt to "bring food" (I'm actually kind of shocked at how prevalent of a sort of cultural phenomenon this has become, it's terrifying). I mean, these preferences worked out in everyone's favor always, which I liked: they compete amongst themselves for the limited, specific flavors they want which is not jelly, and I therefore get every single one of the Munchkins filled with jelly! Dunkin Donuts employees always love to load up on the jelly ones anyway whenever you tell them to fill it with their call, hooray for me and my preferences.
• coffee (hot)
  • with skim milk
    • when I fist started drinking coffee circa end of 10th grade through the days of working at Coldwell Banker in high school
  • black (forever onwards)
    • soon after I started regularly consuming coffee (mostly due to work, school and my blatant addiction to energy-inducing substances), I identified that it would please me greatly if I was able to wane myself down to drinking my coffee black; then I would be able to rely on it as a pure, calorie-free magical essence that feels like it does good things for me and tastes like a great crutch for life! And communication-wise would also be the most simple substance to ever order. I slowly started easing myself into this process of drinking darker and stronger coffee around fall/winter time in my junior year of high school and at Coldwell Banker, and then took a trip to France in February of senior year when I made the solid, never-to-turn-back leap into the world of black coffee because it was the easiest/most available and most needed substance for myself the entire trip, plus I've for a long time desired hitting this turning-point anyway.
• coffee (iced)
  • with skim milk and a little sugar
    • I had my first iced coffee at "Free Iced Coffee Day" on the first day of spring at Dunkin' Donuts my junior year of high school with Danielle Slocki and some strange sketchy senior at the time named Christian (I think?) who was able to drive us places; 'twas small, mass-produced, and loaded with milk and sugar to appease the masses - yet I was able to realize that iced coffee was quite a likable, refreshing version of a substance I was starting to grow to love at this point and that I'd most definitely invest in it in the future ("hah, hah" at how this has developed into such a fucking necessary foundation of my life at this point...), just ordered more to my liking but still treat-like within it's coldness and subtle sweetness. Hence the odd initial period of a little sugar...
  • with a little skim milk
    • after about a month and a half of indulging in these fantastic new commodities in my life known as iced coffees, I realized the sugar was something that absolutely had to come to an end. it was a mouthful to order, disgusting if it was too sweet, added a bunch of unnecessary, unwanted calories and I also just never wanted to be the person that needs when they're drinking coffee. Plus, I was already becoming more and more minimalist in my hot coffee drinking, so I wanted to be on even ground in regards to my hot and cold preferences, I guess. (these dumb coffee anecdotes are getting retardedly, pointlessly detailed; aghh this was not in any way intended at first! fuck procrastination and what it makes me do as a result.)
  • black
    • about a week or so after making the full transition to that of a permanent hot black coffee drinker, my iced coffee drinking habits obviously had to follow suit. this was a quick, easy, pleasurable switch, and now black iced coffees are the largest drain of my funds and I treat them like fucking heroin, it's terrifying.
  • black, dark roast
    • I believe this was released in the spring semester of my freshman year; from then on it has managed to fulfill all of my shitty Dunkin' Donuts iced coffee drinking needs and desires - what could be better than an even darker, more caffeinated and slightly bolder tasting rendition of my already favorite thing in the world, I wonder? I do hate that as of this winter I've noticed the dark roast's availability is drastically dwindling...I'm confused and legitimately slightly offended as to why Dunkin' Donuts suddenly thought the world would prefer odd microwavable sausage nubs wrapped in odd microwavable bread (er, "pancake") balloses than very practical, very delicious dark roasted coffee. and to make matters even worse, most of the employees do not even inform you that this option is gone (the first time I caught wind of this scandal of sorts was overhearing DD employees whisper to each other about the crucial news, behind my back! the back of ya bitch!), they just pass off a regular iced coffee into your hands and act as though they have not committed sin against ya bitch.
• egg bacon and cheese on a toasted bagel with salt and pepper
  • on dark, gloomy winter Sunday mornings when I had to open up an extremely desolate Coldwell Banker and fend for myself in my lonesome from behind the desk of a silent office all day...strange things were occurring mentally at this time to make this particular food item a phase, I'm thinking. it was just exciting to get to work and open up a bag with something delightfully warm for breakfast...but reflecting back on all of this simply makes me question why I didn't just consider going to a deli for a better sandwich with actually real eggs in all of that time...it's not like they weren't in the same strip-malls (sigh) or something...uh, huh.
• multigrain bagel (usually untoasted) with butter
  • high school - still going; however since I started college last year I've been eating them much less...I believe it may have something to do with my strong habit of making routines out of things resulting in almost every breakfast I've consumed the summer before freshman year being this exact option, even though I never thought they were actually good or in any way paralleling qualities of an actual bagel...they were just fun-textured sustenance that was easily obtainable with my coffee and provided me with a morning routine.
• blueberry muffin (preferably the reduced fat one)
  • the last two years of high school; I always had a very awkward 25 minute free period between when school ended and by the time I got to work which I would choose to occupy in my lonesome by driving through a Dunkin' Donuts to get one of these freakishly moisture-fulfilled little devils to pick at for the rest of my mundane evening before I got to go home for an actual dinner at seven. I simply prefer the taste of the reduced fat versus the regular muffin, it's more moist and less terrifyingly coated in large rocks of sugar, and is conveniently like half the calories, huzzah!
• turkey bacon cheddar flatbread sandwich
  • I knew the second Dunkin' Donuts slapped these onto their drive-thru signs that they wouldn't actually ever be as good looking or tasting as the photography alludes to but that I would still end up liking them too much to be normal. and alas, I was correct about this. I remember feeling so skeezy and like I was stooping myself down to a level thousands below what I perceived myself to be when I ordered my first flatbread sandwich, chock full of questionable pseudo-meats and cheese. the results were exactly as I expected and lackluster at best, but it could make me no happier - the warmth and mediocrity of these scary triangular-shaped food products has since overrode all of my past preferences for warm, tasteless substances and proceeded to replace original eggs-and-burnt-toast-esque aroma of my Coldwell Banker office into one of microwavable bread, cheese and meat.
• ham and swiss flatbread sandwich
  • this one came after my approval of it's turkey bacon cheddar counterpart, and I approve of this flatbread just as much if not more. I just feel creepy if I prefer pork or ham in my life too often though.
• egg and cheese "wake up" wrap
  • the second they debuted and forever going strong; it's obviously not in any way a great product (I mean, that goes for all of these things actually), but it's just the best little node of warm taste to make you actually feel like your body isn't running on just gas and stomach acids in the morning - oh how Dunkin' Donuts knew! once during mid-consumption of one of these small wraps, I took it upon myself to question what specific tastes I actually gleaned pleasure from that apparently had me coming back for more forever and always - and to be honest, after much analyzation I realized the one and only distinguishable flavor this food product exudes at all is just a slight tinge of burnt cheese. yes this may be all that it takes for me to be satisfied to the point of borderline addiction, apparently.
• turkey sausage and egg white flatbread sandwich
  • the texture, taste, look, feel, everything of this sandwich will always make me shudder quite a bit, sometimes even feeling the need to regurgitate once or twice while chewing it out of fear of what's going on inside of my poor, undeserving mouth. yet I continued to eat them and like them for a good portion of time. I do not understand this one in particular the most, I think.

Okay, the amount of time that I just expended on this absolutely retardedly pointless and pathetic distraction from death is disgusting and I do not know how to properly react to my own self-created horrors anymore. Death. Just so much fucking death.