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Art lifted up her head and was seated on her throne, and said, All eyes shall see me, and all knees shall bow to me. (William Hazlitt, on the Louvre)

Great art has dreadful manners. The hushed reverence of the gallery can fool you into believing masterpieces are polite things, visions that soothe, charm and beguile, but actually they are thugs. Merciless and wily, the greatest paintings grab yo...

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  • Vasari was a hack architect.
  • art history smackdown: @ the Uffizi
  • mystical marriage with Christ
  • on the Virgin's assumption: Did she have cake on her birthday? When she peed where did it go? WHERE DID SHE GET HER TAMPONS?
  • Jesus has that Miss America pose going on there.
  • Like a big zebra just sat down inside of Siena's Duomo
  • Crazy baby widow's peak
  • Alien pod babies (highest level of angels, the Seraphims are shown with no bodies to emphasize their spirituality. In this piece they were baby heads with little pod bodies.)
  • Vera Bradley gone wild
  • on bronze casting: like when you have the Easter bunny and you just bite off the ass
  • URANUS *giggles*
  • landscape like dolphin heads
  • like a weird Pinocchio hocking a loogie
  • Dancing angels at the top like an alien spaceship, whirr whirr: on Boticelli's Mystic Nativity
  • (On Leda and the swan) the sensuous way only a swan can; have sex - ew.
  • (On blowing out the yolk of eggs so they'll be hollow) get it going at parties and shoot it at people
  • Alberti's Sant' Andrea : HATE THIS FACADE, like a jet pack hovering over,
  • Mantegna's Camera degli Sposi:little angels looking at you, oh look at that one's butt how cute, that one has his head stuck in a gate
nov 12 2009 ∞
mar 16 2010 +