- Taking care of my mum. A few sentient moments after I'd kinda already expected her to die the night before but she lives to see another year. Glimpses of her humour. Working together with my brother.
- A heartfelt article about Robin Sloan, one of my favourite authors. Written by a fellow fangirl.
- The sound of cutting crisp Jonagold apples.
- I've got this ongoing obsession with a rusty cinnamon red and bought a Barts beanie and nail polish in that shade (Essie - Playing Koi).
- My second obsession: salted hot chocolate with whipped cream. I love eating the semi-molten cream with a spoon.
- Realising that I have people in my life who actually like and appreciate me. Who enjoy spending time with me. Who I can be myself with. It's such a big contrast to the negative energy I constantly feel staying at my mum's house and being around family members. There is so much history and trauma that I'm not sure I'll ever feel at ease around them. I feel the need to escape.
- My mum's death. Which sounds cruel. But it was such a liberating moment because we'd all been waiting for it, even her. We just didn't know when it would happen. And she was in so much pain on her last two days. She had no strength, was barely even conscious. I was truly happy for her. Happy that she made it, happy that her suffering had an end. As I'm writing this I realise that there is still so much sadness and pain that I need to deal with. It all went by so quickly. Exactly one month between the day I learned about her cancer and her death. So hard to grasp.
- Going swimming. Feeling powerful and strong, exhausting myself. Diving. Enjoying the outside pool, breathing the clear, cold air. Observing the hot steam under the moonlit night sky. Lots of tiny bubbles.
- Feeling inspired. Staying up until 4am, journalling, planning outfits.
- My therapist calling Martin an asshole. I love having her on my team.
- When Frank didn't show up for me Manu was there to save me and invited me to stay at his place. We had such a nice dynamic and I felt taken care of - or at least taken seriously. My emotions always matter to him and he even cuddled with me. We ordered pizza - that always helps, too.
- My brother almost not being annoying for a while. Seeing a tiny chance that I could actually start liking him one day.
- I'm proud of keeping up with my meditation practice for so long. By now I've reached the 1000 minutes milestone.
- Staying over at Lena's. Joining her Cleanup group meeting. Finding more stars on the ground everywhere. My tiny signs from the universe.
- Meeting Doris and Margit for dinner. Tasty food, browsing Flying Tiger, Margit's cool purse and headband. Seeing Teresa Reichl at Vereinsheim Schwabing. Holding hands (or fingers). A spontaneous pub quiz mini win (I basically just went there to solve the anagram).
- Sauna with Sash. Watching The Witches of Eastwick and Practical Magic wrapped in a blankie. Soaking up the witchy whimsigoth vibes for fashion inspiration. Simultaneously re-doing the MBTI test with Sash and Yanch. So apparently I'm an I/ENTP now (I've always been an ambivert)?
- Walking through the Nymphenburg castle grounds and botanical gardens with Nico. We saw each other for the first time and had a pretty good conversation - not awkward at all. However, I didn't feel a spark either.
- The day we finally managed to coordinate the kilm transport at my own school. It wasn't enjoyable at all but I'm so glad it's done and I don't have to feel this constant, underlying anxiety about it anymore.
- Driving Do home from school. Soft hands. Starting to write soft bunny poems for her. Reading her stories about Cancer children over the phone.
- Talking to her about my feeling that she doesn't like me anymore. My stupid emotional reactions, always thinking everything must me my fault. I actually talked to Obi about it during our walk waiting for the movers. We are both highly intelligent HSPs but whereas I take everything personally and always think that I'm the one who's at fault, he's super pro-social and loses himself over helping others, being of service, suffering from a lack of boundaries. Interesting. I love learning, seeing parallels and patterns.
- My first veggie kebab in months.
- Dreaming about my mum going on a short vacation. I asked her how that's possible since she's already dead but she told me nonchalantly that death was too boring for her. So... basically she was resurrected, eh? My mum is Jesus.
- Sorting out my mum's books. Learning a lot about her through her notes and annotations. However, it's pretty sad to realise that she'd been working on some big issues for decades but never really managed to make lasting changes.
- A shopping day with Sash and Lena. Finding a lovely OPUS jacket. Sharing food. Watching a movie together. Meeting again at the pool/sauna the next morning. I stayed at Sash's again and we had French fries, pizza and watched The Menu.
- Spending a whole day alone knowing that my brother wouldn't come home that day. I realised how much anxiety it gives me when I can't have real alone time and somebody else is still in the house.
- Getting a 4-week-membership for a local yoga studio. I can go as often as I want until the end of February. It's great to be back in a studio. I don't know why I depend on classes and can't seem to establish my own practice at home but fine, I'll work with that.
- Chocolate bananas with foamy sugar. Deadly sweet. Amazing mouth feel.
- Writing a letter to Do. Admiring my neat handwriting on narrow lines. I really enjoy the process of writing. Another one of these things I tend to forget about.
- Curly pasta with a fine batch of roasted veggie marinara. Lots of parmesan of course.
- I'm never sure if it's a good thing but I've been having fun with fashion and make-up again. On the one hand I love having/finding beautiful things, being creative with colours and styles - but on the other hand I have the sinking feeling that it's a way to cover up insecurities? Shopping as a coping mechanism, defining your self-worth by your appearance... One of these areas where it's tough for me to find the right balance. Anyway. I've been playing around with bronzer and long, pointy nails. Siren eyes. Highlighter. 90s lip liner. Wearing a beanie and my Everpress CMMC sweater everywhere I go. Hunting for chunky shoes and the right blazer or bomber jacket. Thinking about getting my septum pierced.
- Spending a whole day alone knowing that my brother wouldn't come home that day. I realised how much anxiety it gives me when I can't have proper alone time and somebody else is still in the house.
- Breakfast with Margit. Cold coffee with coconut milk. Walking through Hofgarten to see the guinea pigs and goats (I realised I'm not only scared of swans but nandus as well - birds with long necks are tagged as #mean in my brain).
- The Magic Wand revival.
- Our trip to Chiemsee went well. The half moon watched over us. We threw crystals in the water - my intentions were freedom, love and gratitude. Afterwards we ate at a very trendy vegetarian restaurant and it was OK. Martin thanked me for keeping it civil because my mum would have wanted it that way. Anyway. The ending of a long chapter. On the way home my brother drove and I remembered how soothing car rides have always been for me. My mum used to drive me around the block a few times to calm me down when I was a baby. I spent the time meditating and listening to a podcast with Chrystee who offered a guided breathwork exercise. I got a very good buzz from breath retention.
- Strawberries. Crunchy peanut butter. Tropical coconut porridge with red kiwi, mango and banana.
- An unexpected 20min extension on my therapy session. Realising that my mum never had anyone really taking care of her needs which is why she was emotionally immature and, well, needy. I must have sensed that as a child and refused to take on that role. It was too much for me so I kept my distance. My therapist told me about the Holes in Roles theory and Pessotherapy. I'm interested. And offered her to adopt me but she politely declined.
- Eating at myly with Michi. The curry I used to eat all the time when I still lived here still has the number 127a. We talked about our parents for a long time and were the last ones to leave. My fortune cookie simply told me to follow my heart.
- Salads. A craving for fresh food. Always nice: kiwis, blueberries or mango in my salad. And cheese.
- Starting to look forward to and actually enjoy meditation. I'm used to 30min sessions by now but I often feel like I wanna go longer. Perhaps I'm ready for Vipassana?
jan 1 2023 ∞
feb 2 2023 +