• Massage night. Sri knows all the good spots.
• Singing mantras together. Improvising. Lyra's and Sofia's beautiful voices. Waking up with new songs stuck in my head.
• Ginger lemon tea. Roasted pumpkin seeds. Purple risotto with lemon zest and parmesan.
• Lots of talks and practice therapy sessions confirming what I need most now: a clear goal. A direction. Priorities. Inner leadership - filling the vacant role of a director for my very own play. Lovingly guiding my own parts through tough times, emphasizing what I want and why.
• Learning about the difference between needs and strategies.
• Driving home with Ems; good conversation.
• Coming home, talking with C. all night long, forgetting about time and space.

• BioDanza
• Float
• Tantra seminar
• Temple of Lika
• Shadow seminar
• Gestalt therapy training
• silent retreat
• facial
• massage
• PI trainings and workshops
• improv theatre workshop
• BJJ training
• Urban Sports Club membership
• Oberland Yoga

• Casa Azul, Mexico City
• Villa Josalie, Sainte-Maxime
• Casa Las Ondas, Zipolite
• Kowalski Bellas Artes, Valencia
• Atelier Brancusi, Paris
• Musée Rodin, Paris
• Musée Picasso, Antibes
• Filzhof, Grafing
• Spiegelseen, Salzbergwerk Berchtesgaden

nostalgia with that special feeling:

• pilgrimage church Maria Hilf, Vilsbiburg (that little diorama with the moving figures)
• Klosterholz, Landshut (Uncle Toni's allotment)
• Huberwirt, Gstaudach
• Marienklause, Munich
• Zeiss Planetarium, Jena
• St. Peter, Munich (Saint Munditia's glass coffin / the tower platform)

You realize that most of the bad behaviour of other people really comes down to fear and anxiety – rather than, as it is generally easier to presume, nastiness or idiocy. You stop thinking of the world as populated by either monsters or fools. You learn that what is in your head can’t automatically be understood by other people. You realise that, unfortunately, you will have to articulate your intentions and feelings with the use of words – and can’t fairly blame others for not getting what you mean until you’ve spoken calmly and clearly. You learn that – remarkably – you do sometimes get things wrong. With huge courage, you take your first faltering steps towards (once in a while) apologising. You learn to be confident not by realising that you’re great, but by learning that everyone else is just as stupid, scared and lost as you are. We’re all making it up as we go alon...

spring and summer

• I want to work on resetting my nervous system. I'm constantly in fight/flight/freeze mode, always under pressure and my cortisol levels are through the roof. It's tricky because I'll need to find a good balance between over- and understimulation. I get bored as easily as overwhelmed. So far, top-down approaches haven't really served me very well (I tend to intellectualise my feelings) which is why I want to try a few bottom-up methods:
  • get in contact with my feelings, learn how to identify and express them in a healthy way
  • somatic therapy, bodywork: Somatic experiencing. Research: Toxic Shame / blog
  • intuitive movement, dance class
  • learn more about breathwork
• Go on a Vipassana retreat and keep meditating daily.

BOOKS

• Dark Academia (more!)
• Naomi Alderman - The Lessons
• new novels: Sally Ronney, Jennifer Egan, Naomi Novik
• re-read: A. Morgenstern
• library
• James Clear, Peter Crone

TV

• re-watch: SatC, HP, Fleabag, Killing Eve
• continue: The Handmaid's Tale, Fargo, What We Do in the Shadows
• watch: The Girl on the Train, The Crown #5, Sleepy Hollow, The Great British Bake-Off #12, Ted Lasso

FASHION

• headscarves (with headband for more structure)
• channelling artist / art heiress / Peggy ...

• write it off
• vagus nerve stimulation / 2
• nasal douching with salt water
• manifestation, creation meditation
• cold showers
• (self-)massage
• nasal breathing, resonance frequency breathing
• self-compassion / a positive judgment of self-worth; not dependent on success or failure; accepts imperfection / self-compassion kicks in when self-esteem leaves us; it means accepting own imperfect nature / compassion is the desire to alleviate suffering.
• delayed gratification: I can have it - in 10 minutes
• start where you are because that is where you need to be
• habit stacking (attach it to an anchor - an already established habit) / habit bun...

Every recipe, whether we cook it or not, offers a vision of the good life, and a way of tasting food in your brain. It doesn't need to actually have been eaten in its time to feel real to us now. - Bee Wilson

Favourites:

• Tandoori seitan skewers
• Instant pot chana masala
• Sweet and sour sticky tofu
• Non-basic salad recipes
• Roasted fennel and cauliflower with chic...
• Eggplant and sweet potato with harissa, ...
• Bhindi Masala - vegan okra curry
• Potato broccoli curry
• Lentil soup
• Coconut Soup
• Chocolate cookies with buckwheat
• Sourdough bread / The Perfect Loaf
• Vegan Apple Cake
• Kaspressknödel
• Pumpkin spinach lasagna

• Yellow turmeric stains. On kitchenware, the countertop, my skin. Everywhere. Nasty.
• People. People are SO annoying. On public transport: talking loudly. Touching me. Talking on the phone! Talking to me. Smelling. Someone with restless legs syndrome in my field of vision.
• Related: people who're blocking the whole sidewalk. And those who ride escalators downstairs.
• Walking behind someone smoking a cigarette.
• Flashlight-style phone alarms. Phone alarms/sounds in general. Just put it on silent for God's sake. I really don't need to hear you playing Candy Crush.
• Not cleaning after your dog. Or actually doing it but throwing the poo bag on the ground instead of the garbage can. WHY?
• Littering in general.

I've been trying to figure what what would actually make me feel better and help me with my maladaptive coping strategies.From what I've learned so far, this is the advice I want to give myself:

• Seek discomfort and accept pain. Don't resist. Get comfortable with being uncomfortable and don't be afraid of your vulnerability.
• Sit with your feelings. Don't act on them immediately, don't try to numb them and make them go away.
• Feel your feelings - don't think them. Don't rationalise or intellectualise them. Just feel them and they'll go away on their own.
• Transform negativity. Whenever you think negatively - try to find something positive about it. Find a way to be grateful. Shift the focus, work on a positivity bias.

Get comfortable with being uncomfortable. Anything that scares me? I'm gonna actively pursue it.

an unfinished list

• skydiving
• write a book
• make a website
• paint on a huge canvas
• chat up a stranger
• public speaking (I mean, I'm a teacher so it's probably not a severe fear but when I spoke at a wedding I was so nervous... I guess it depends on the audience but giving a speech still makes me anxious)
• address claustrophobia issues: being underground, tunnels, tight spaces
• address agoraphobia/social anxiety: large crowds, being close to people
• ✔ get a diving license
• ✔ travel alone

• Hays Code
• Hilma af Klint
• Leonora Carrington
• Symbolism and Surrealist movement
• Magic realism
• Ashtanga and Kundalini yoga / Yoga Nidra
• Reiki
• Psychosomatic medicine
• cancel culture
• Michael Armitage
• pencil bouquet (You've Got Mail)
• Slawomir Elsner
• Maurice Ravel - L'Enfant et les Sortilèges
• Naomi Klein "Take back power" (New Statesman)
• lunar astrology
• Miss Christine / Frank Zappa's Hot Rats
• schizophrenia, loss of motivation, dysregulation of dopamine system
• Churchill's garden

• touch: get a massage, manicure or a haircut
• written word: read motivating books, go to the library or browse through the shelves with free books around the city
• water: go swimming, take a bath
• movement: yoga class, foam roller, stretching
• nature: go for a walk in the woods, look at a large body of water / buy new plants for the balcony, take care of them
• creativity: draw, paint, knit, work with wood or clay
• write: journalling to trap the anxiety on paper
• order: sorting/tidying/cleaning, write to-do-lists to clear the mind and get rid of bad thoughts, make plans, act on them
• support: talk to a good friend, a therapy session
• nourishment: cook a nice healthy meal, maybe try out a new recipe
• sound: watch ASMR videos, listen to mantras or ...

• fashion
  • pants in burnt orange or a rusty cinnamon red
  • Profound painters hoodie
  • wallet
  • RipnDip: 1 / 2 / 3
  • Salty Crew sweater
  • Wandler Maggie leather bag
  • bomber jacket
  • silk bathrobe
  • Martens Jadon black/cherry red
  • Olives Vera saddle bag
  • Mother Earth hoodie
  • denim dress
  • kimono
  • Wandler bag (mytheresa)
  • clothing in royal blue
  • a nice, sturdy leather bag
  • jewellery: crystal earrings (Etsy) / triangular hoops / a baguette ring / everything from this Etsy shop

BIG 3

• INPUT: Gestalt therapy and yoga teacher training
• OUTPUT: write and illustrate a series of Astrology books
• COMMUNAL EFFORT: create and host an event/day retreat

office

• digitalisation of all paperwork / only keep one folder with essentials
• work on finances with Cornelia's help
• track regular tasks like grocery shopping, watering the plants, massage, mani/pedi etc. (app?)

art

• take analogue photos
• learn how to make stained glass windows
• make a series of planet-themed mugs
• Illustrate a colouring book

• Creativity: start painting again, find a studio
• Career: find an alternative I'm truly passionate about
• Calm: less stress. Less noise. Coming back to myself. Less people. More nature.
• Home (and mobility): move to a place with more nature, get a car
• Mind and body: lose weight, work out to become strong and flexible, work on mental issues (emotional regulation, negativity, cultivate gratitude, benevolence)
• Love: find out how to stay myself with others.
• Adventure: travel somewhere. Perhaps not alone for once?
• Hero's Journey, piercings, trip with C. (both kinds), quit job, move, buy car, two digit weight, diving and flying, organise kinky party, paint something large format, start writing, continue daily meditat...

Athens

• Parthenon, Acropolis
• make a cat album
• explore the Indie Scene
• trip to the beach
• eat dolmades
• Onassis Foundation

Costa Rica

• Pacha Mama
• Volunteering
• fly to Panama and sail to Colombia
• Evolve Festival 2025

Iceland

• Diving in the Silfra Fissure
• Renting a camper van
• South Coast / see Seljalandsfoss and an ice cave
• Cat Walk
• ✔ Golden Circle

• dance at a party
• sing karaoke
• book a dance class
• go on a yoga/(Vipassana) meditation retreat
• Literaturhaus
• Gärtnerplatztheater
• Staatsoper
• Hippie Chay
• Madam Chutney
• Café Zeitgeist
• book an improv theatre workshop
• visit Ramapriya at a yoga class
• book a Spanish class / university seminar
• attend a horse race and place a bet
• visit Africa for the first time; go on safari
• join a gym again
• escape room with VR goggles
• hug all my friends / just lie next to eac...

• Shibori
• learn Spanish (conversational level; trips to Barcelona and Mexico)
• French (finish reading Harry Potter and work with the grammar books)
• book a language course
• ✔ screenprinting
• metalsmithing
• a better swimming technique
• 100 ASL signs
• Russian (brush up my grammar and vocabulary)
• sailing license
• paint on sage green cardboard in royal blue ink, glue it on muted rose-coloured paper
• Bali hands project: paint or sculpt hands (wood, print, clay, limestone, papier maché, linocut)
• join the sofa singers
• glass blowing workshop

• the Hampstead Heath Ladies' Pond
• Virginia Woolf's A Room of One's Own
• motorcycles and chainsaws
• the year of lush roses and nasty ants
• greek mythology: Demeter and Persephone (Baubo/vulva presentations, the Croatian on the subway telling stories about his daughter and Greek wife, Carmen Rohrbach mentioning the myth in connection with Sicily, Demeter's home country)
• the number 22
• the urge to write a book and buy a house
• Miss Havisham from Charles Dickens' Great Expectations
• Björk (February + December 2023)
• Albrecht Dürer, Melencolia I, 1514 (March 2023)
• (Church) bells (March and April 2023)
• Pure Intention (March through May 2023)
• Fire signs and Sag energy (June-September 2023)
• Burnt orange (January 2024)

• 2005: London (alone, staying with a host family for three weeks and meeting Ann-Katrin and Friedericke)
• 2006: Paris (graduation trip)
• 2007: Paris (Friedericke)
• 2010: London (Tamara)
• Stockholm (Lexi)
• Paris (university)
• Côte d'Azur (Lena, Lexi and Amélie)
• Venice (Bert)
• 2011: Barcelona (Lexi)
• Prague (Lena, Michi and Christian)
• Venice (university)
• Hungary (university)
• Vienna / Balaton (Lena)
• Côte d'Azur (Lena, Lexi, Tobi, Michi, Yanic, Christian)
• 2012: Budapest (Lexi, Yanic, Michi)
• Amsterdam (Lexi)
• 2013: Antibes / Côte d'Azur (Lexi, Yanic, Michi)