You realize that most of the bad behaviour of other people really comes down to fear and anxiety – rather than, as it is generally easier to presume, nastiness or idiocy. You stop thinking of the world as populated by either monsters or fools. You learn that what is in your head can’t automatically be understood by other people. You realise that, unfortunately, you will have to articulate your intentions and feelings with the use of words – and can’t fairly blame others for not getting what you mean until you’ve spoken calmly and clearly. You learn that – remarkably – you do sometimes get things wrong. With huge courage, you take your first faltering steps towards (once in a while) apologising. You learn to be confident not by realising that you’re great, but by learning that everyone else is just as stupid, scared and lost as you are. We’re all making it up as we go alon...

jan 29 2024 ∞
jan 29 2024 +
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  • January: Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (2002)
  • Der Junge und der Reiher (2023)
  • Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (2003)
  • Priscilla (2023)
  • Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (2004)
  • Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix (2007)
  • Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince (2009)
  • Harry Potter and Deathly Hallows part 1 (2010)
  • Poor Things (2024)
  • Harry Potter and Deathly Hallows part 2 (2011)
  • Rocketman (2019)
  • The Bear #1 (2022)
  • February: The Bear #2 (2023)

_________

jan 4 2024 ∞
feb 26 2024 +
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spring and summer

  • I want to work on resetting my nervous system. I'm constantly in fight/flight/freeze mode, always under pressure and my cortisol levels are through the roof. It's tricky because I'll need to find a good balance between over- and understimulation. I get bored as easily as overwhelmed. So far, top-down approaches haven't really served me very well (I tend to intellectualise my feelings) which is why I want to try a few bottom-up methods:
    • get in contact with my feelings, learn how to identify and express them in a healthy way
    • somatic therapy, bodywork: Somatic experiencing. Research: Toxic Shame / blog
    • intuitive movement, dance class
    • learn more about breathwork
  • Go on a Vipassana retreat and keep meditating daily.
jan 28 2023 ∞
may 14 2023 +
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  • January: yung pueblo - lighter
  • February: Robin Sloan - In the Stacks (Maisie's Tune)
  • Chani Nicholas - You Were Born for This
  • Elif Batuman - The Idiot
  • Anna Lembke - Dopamine Nation
  • March: Georg Parlow - Zart besaitet
  • Leigh Bardugo - Hell Bent
  • Osho - Angst
  • Brené Brown - Daring Greatly
  • Lindsay C. Gibson - Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents
  • April: Sukhinder Singh Cassidy - Choose Possibility
  • May: Ken Wilber - Grace and Grit
  • June: Ken Wilber - Integral Psychology
  • Olivie Blake - Masters of Death
  • July: Jessica Andrews - Saltwater
  • Jennifer Egan - The Candy House
  • August: Dr. Michael Greger - How Not to Diet
  • September: Thich Nhat Hanh - Reconciliation: healing the inner child
  • October: Sophie Passmann - Pick Me Girls
  • November: Emilia Roig - Das Ende der Ehe
jan 24 2023 ∞
jan 15 2024 +

BOOKS

  • Dark Academia (more!)
  • Naomi Alderman - The Lessons
  • new novels: Sally Ronney, Jennifer Egan, Naomi Novik
  • re-read: A. Morgenstern
  • library
  • James Clear, Peter Crone

TV

  • re-watch: SatC, HP, Fleabag, Killing Eve
  • continue: The Handmaid's Tale, Fargo, What We Do in the Shadows
  • watch: The Girl on the Train, The Crown #5, Sleepy Hollow, The Great British Bake-Off #12, Ted Lasso

FASHION

  • headscarves (with headband for more structure)
  • channelling artist / art heiress / Peggy ...
sep 6 2021 ∞
jul 21 2023 +
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  • write it off
  • vagus nerve stimulation / 2
  • nasal douching with salt water
  • manifestation, creation meditation
  • cold showers
  • (self-)massage
  • nasal breathing, resonance frequency breathing
  • self-compassion / a positive judgment of self-worth; not dependent on success or failure; accepts imperfection / self-compassion kicks in when self-esteem leaves us; it means accepting own imperfect nature / compassion is the desire to alleviate suffering.
  • delayed gratification: I can have it - in 10 minutes
  • start where you are because that is where you need to be
  • habit stacking (attach it to an anchor - an already established habit) / habit bun...
dec 13 2020 ∞
dec 31 2022 +
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Every recipe, whether we cook it or not, offers a vision of the good life, and a way of tasting food in your brain. It doesn't need to actually have been eaten in its time to feel real to us now. - Bee Wilson

Favourites:

sep 5 2012 ∞
mar 10 2023 +
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  • Yellow turmeric stains. On kitchenware, the countertop, my skin. Everywhere. Nasty.
  • People. People are SO annoying. On public transport: talking loudly. Touching me. Talking on the phone! Talking to me. Smelling. Someone with restless legs syndrome in my field of vision.
  • Related: people who're blocking the whole sidewalk. And those who ride escalators downstairs.
  • Walking behind someone smoking a cigarette.
  • Flashlight-style phone alarms. Phone alarms/sounds in general. Just put it on silent for God's sake. I really don't need to hear you playing Candy Crush.
  • Not cleaning after your dog. Or actually doing it but throwing the poo bag on the ground instead of the garbage can. WHY?
  • Littering in general.
dec 5 2020 ∞
dec 11 2023 +
  • Waking up after a dream inspired by the movie Poor Things . Inserting your brain into a younger body. Living in oblivion until one day somebody shows up to break the news to you. That you've lived another lifetime before and you have to be reminded of who you were, what you knew.
  • Drawing the gorgeous Sharing card, resonating with it right away. The Queen of Fire is designed in my colours and shapes. She is me.
  • Sketching something. Loving every line.
  • Eating a thick soup with tiny noodles and semolina dumplings for breakfast.
  • Jamie Lee Curtis' guest appearance in The Bear . She's almost unrecognizable. Oh, and Olivia Coleman's, too!
  • Something finally falling into place: I've been searching for a new wallet for a while now and suddenly a memory of my grandma's old Aigner checkbook popped into my head. And it was the perfect solution. What an amazing local brand! I discovered that there is a store nearby and shopping...
feb 1 2024 ∞
feb 26 2024 +
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  • My New Year's Kiss. I wonder if this is the first time I didn't have to cheat and had a significant other volunteering for the job. I told C. about two resolutions I needed his help with. Focusing on positivity and gratitude (= to stop nagging and being overly critical) and to find a balance between distance and closeness.
  • A long walk through the woods. Climbing over trees and balancing with the kids. Cuddling with Mara. Getting the kids to play Activity despite their age. Connecting with Lian.
  • The little witch hat I poured in a New Year's ritual. A symbol for good luck and going your own way.
  • Charlie climbing up on my shoulder. My little witch cat. Love him.
  • A day at the Botanical gardens with Christian, his son and a few friends with their children. Marvelling at the tropical bu...
jan 4 2024 ∞
feb 1 2024 +
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I've been trying to figure what what would actually make me feel better and help me with my maladaptive coping strategies.From what I've learned so far, this is the advice I want to give myself:

  • Seek discomfort and accept pain. Don't resist. Get comfortable with being uncomfortable and don't be afraid of your vulnerability.
  • Sit with your feelings. Don't act on them immediately, don't try to numb them and make them go away.
  • Feel your feelings - don't think them. Don't rationalise or intellectualise them. Just feel them and they'll go away on their own.
  • Transform negativity. Whenever you think negatively - try to find something positive about it. Find a way to be grateful. Shift the focus, work on a positivity bias.
mar 15 2023 ∞
jul 30 2023 +
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Get comfortable with being uncomfortable. Anything that scares me? I'm gonna actively pursue it.

an unfinished list

  • skydiving
  • write a book
  • make a website
  • paint on a huge canvas
  • chat up a stranger
  • public speaking (I mean, I'm a teacher so it's probably not a severe fear but when I spoke at a wedding I was so nervous... I guess it depends on the audience but giving a speech still makes me anxious)
  • address claustrophobia issues: being underground, tunnels, tight spaces
  • address agoraphobia/social anxiety: large crowds, being close to people
  • get a diving license
  • travel alone
apr 11 2022 ∞
may 29 2022 +
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  • Hays Code
  • Hilma af Klimt
  • Leonora Carrington
  • symbolism and surrealism
  • Magic realism
  • Ashtanga and Kundalini yoga / Yoga Nidra
  • Reiki
  • Psychosomatic medicine
  • cancel culture
  • Michael Armitage
  • pencil bouquet (You've Got Mail)
  • Slawomir Elsner
  • Maurice Ravel - L'Enfant et les Sortilèges
  • Naomi Klein "Take back power" (New Statesman)
  • lunar astrology
  • Miss Christine / Frank Zappa's Hot Rats
  • schizophrenia, loss of motivation, dysregulation of dopamine system
  • Churchill's garden
oct 24 2020 ∞
jan 24 2023 +
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  • touch: get a massage, manicure or a haircut
  • written word: read motivating books, go to the library or browse through the shelves with free books around the city
  • water: go swimming, take a bath
  • movement: yoga class, foam roller, stretching
  • nature: go for a walk in the woods, look at a large body of water / buy new plants for the balcony, take care of them
  • creativity: draw, paint, knit, work with wood or clay
  • write: journalling to trap the anxiety on paper
  • order: sorting/tidying/cleaning, write to-do-lists to clear the mind and get rid of bad thoughts, make plans, act on them
  • support: talk to a good friend, a therapy session
  • nourishment: cook a nice healthy meal, maybe try out a new recipe
  • sound: watch ASMR videos, listen to mantras or ...
jul 30 2018 ∞
mar 15 2023 +
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  • fashion
    • Profound painters hoodie
    • wallet
    • RipnDip: 1 / 2 / 3
    • Salty Crew sweater
    • Wandler Maggie leather bag
    • bomber jacket
    • silk bathrobe
    • Martens Jadon black/cherry red
    • Olives Vera saddle bag
    • Mother Earth hoodie
    • denim dress
    • kimono
    • Wandler bag (mytheresa)
    • clothing in royal blue
    • a nice, sturdy leather bag
    • jewellery: crystal earrings (Etsy) / triangular hoops / a baguette ring / everything from this Etsy shop
    • sunglasses: turtoise shell sunglasses with dark green lenses / 'Holy crap, I look ...
aug 31 2012 ∞
aug 30 2023 +
  • January: Jacqueline Harpman - I Who Have Never Known Men
  • February:

______________________

currently reading

  • Werner Herzog - Die Zukunft der Wahrheit
  • Jessica Fern - polysecure
  • Roger Zelazny - Lord of Light
  • Olivie Blake - The Atlas Complex
jan 15 2024 ∞
feb 26 2024 +
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  • Creativity: start painting again, find a studio
  • Career: find an alternative I'm truly passionate about
  • Calm: less stress. Less noise. Coming back to myself. Less people. More nature.
  • Home (and mobility): move to a place with more nature, get a car
  • Mind and body: lose weight, work out to become strong and flexible, work on mental issues (emotional regulation, negativity, cultivate gratitude, benevolence)
  • Love: find out how to stay myself with others.
  • Adventure: travel somewhere. Perhaps not alone for once?
  • Hero's Journey, piercings, trip with C. (both kinds), quit job, move, buy car, two digit weight, diving and flying, organise kinky party, paint something large format, start writing, continue daily meditat...
dec 27 2023 ∞
jan 10 2024 +
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Costa Rica

Iceland

  • Diving in the Silfra Fissure
  • Renting a camper van
  • South Coast / see Seljalandsfoss and an ice cave
  • Cat Walk
  • Golden Circle
  • Snaefellnes
  • Sky Lagoon
  • see Northern lights
  • Perlan museum

Italy

  • university in Bologna
  • Cinque Terre
  • immersive spa in Milano
feb 2 2023 ∞
mar 9 2023 +
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  • January: The Witches of Eastwick (1987)
  • Practical Magic (1998)
  • Ghostbusters (1984)
  • The First Wives Club (1996)
  • The Menu (2022)
  • Ocean's 8 (2018)
  • February: Russian Doll #2 (2022)
  • Kärlek & Anarki #2 (2022)
  • Ich bin dein Mensch (2021)
  • Damaged Goods #1 (2022)
  • March: Booksmart (2019)
  • Miss Congeniality (2000)
  • Outer Banks #3 (2023)
  • Queer Eye Germany #1 (2022)
  • You #4 (2023)
  • A Whisker Away (2020)
  • Tár (2022)
  • Triangle of Sadness (2022)
  • April: The Prophet (2014)
  • May: Suspiria (1977)
  • The Hunger Games (2012)
jan 24 2023 ∞
jan 4 2024 +
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  • dance at a party
  • sing karaoke
  • book a dance class
  • go on a yoga/(Vipassana) meditation retreat
  • Literaturhaus
  • Gärtnerplatztheater
  • Staatsoper
  • Hippie Chay
  • Madam Chutney
  • Café Zeitgeist
  • book an improv theatre workshop
  • visit Ramapriya at a yoga class
  • book a Spanish class / university seminar
  • attend a horse race and place a bet
  • visit Africa for the first time; go on safari
  • join a gym again
  • escape room with VR goggles
  • hug all my friends / just lie next to eac...
nov 17 2019 ∞
feb 2 2023 +
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  • Shibori
  • learn Spanish (conversational level; trips to Barcelona and Mexico)
  • French (finish reading Harry Potter and work with the grammar books)
  • book a language course
  • screenprinting
  • metalsmithing
  • a better swimming technique
  • 100 ASL signs
  • Russian (brush up my grammar and vocabulary)
  • sailing license
  • paint on sage green cardboard in royal blue ink, glue it on muted rose-coloured paper
  • Bali hands project: paint or sculpt hands (wood, print, clay, limestone, papier maché, linocut)
  • join the sofa singers
  • glass blowing workshop
jan 2 2018 ∞
feb 6 2021 +
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  • the Hampstead Heath Ladies' Pond
  • Virginia Woolf's A Room of One's Own
  • motorcycles and chainsaws
  • the year of lush roses and nasty ants
  • greek mythology: Demeter and Persephone (Baubo/vulva presentations, the Croatian on the subway telling stories about his daughter and Greek wife, Carmen Rohrbach mentioning the myth in connection with Sicily, Demeter's home country)
  • the number 22
  • the urge to write a book and buy a house
  • Miss Havisham from Charles Dickens' Great Expectations
  • Björk (February + December 2023)
  • Albrecht Dürer, Melencolia I, 1514 (March 2023)
  • (Church) bells (March and April 2023)
  • Pure Intention (March through May 2023)
  • Fire signs and Sag energy (June-September 2023)
  • Burnt orange (January 2024)
may 19 2019 ∞
feb 1 2024 +
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  • 2005: London (alone, staying with a host family for three weeks and meeting Ann-Katrin and Friedericke)
  • 2006: Paris (graduation trip)
  • 2007: Paris (Friedericke)
  • 2010: London (Tamara)
  • Stockholm (Lexi)
  • Paris (university)
  • Côte d'Azur (Lena, Lexi and Amélie)
  • Venice (Bert)
  • 2011: Barcelona (Lexi)
  • Prague (Lena, Michi and Christian)
  • Venice (university)
  • Hungary (university)
  • Vienna / Balaton (Lena)
  • Côte d'Azur (Lena, Lexi, Tobi, Michi, Yanic, Christian)
  • 2012: Budapest (Lexi, Yanic, Michi)
  • Amsterdam (Lexi)
  • 2013: Antibes / Côte d'Azur (Lexi, Yanic, Michi)
aug 26 2015 ∞
jan 29 2024 +
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  • Australia: Brisbane, Beerwah, Beerburrum, Hervey Bay, Rainbow Beach, Ayr, Alva Beach, Airlie Beach, Caloundra, Cairns, Atherton Tablelands
  • Austria: Vienna, Riegersburg, St. Pölten, Linz, Salzburg, the area next to the German border (Schärding, Esternberg, Schardenberg / Bregenz), Attersee, Traunsee, Graz, Villach, Ossiacher See, Wörther See, Waldviertel
  • Belize: Caye Caulker
  • Bolivia: Copacabana, La Paz, Uyuni
  • Canada: Québec, Montréal
  • Chile: San Pedro de Atacama, Santiago de Chile
  • Croatia: Porec, Premantura, Vrsar
  • Czech Republic: the area next to the German border, Prague, Český Krumlov
  • Denmark: Copenhagen, Louisiana
  • El Salvador: San Salvador
  • Estonia: Tallinn
may 21 2011 ∞
oct 3 2023 +