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  • The moon during sunrise as seen from a plane window. Warm pastel hues against the blue night sky.
  • A flea market date with Nico. I found a lot of cool stuff (interesting blazer, a pullover with an ice-cream coloured stripey pattern, a swirly plate and a dark green bag, a leather jacket) and he got a yellow metal table I pointed out to him. We shared two dishes we both wanted for lunch. Took a walk up to the castle.
  • Dripping semi-solid Panna Cotta on my lips. Oddly sensual.
  • Satisfying my need for completion: finishing a jar of jam that had been sitting in the fridge for weeks.
  • Talking to Doris on the phone. I felt better afterwards but realised how lonely and depressed I am at the moment. I'm grateful for the few friends I have. And I actually managed to get out of bed soon after. Had a shower. Got motivated to make some decisions. Booked a silent retreat in France because that's basically the only idea a had. I'm still not sure it was the right move but I've been interested in Vipassana for months now so... what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, eh?
  • Waking up still stuck in my dream. I was aware of where I was (where my physical body was located) but in my head I was still somewhere completely different. Was that a lucid dream? I woke up hopeful and confident. Where is this coming from? / A few days later I realised in my dream that I was in an episode of my life. All my family members - including me - were played by actors and I was involved in the story but witnessing everything from a distance at the same time. Parallel universe? A fake biopic like The Crown? My dreams keep getting more and more obscure.
  • Cuddling with Do in one of the huge double seats at the cinema, watching Tár. On my way home, the moon looked huge and golden.
  • The next day, I saw Frank for the first time since December. We told each other what'd been going on in our lives, had breakfast the next day and I assisted in booking a therapy appointment for him by being my usual annoying and persistent self. In the evening I met Raphael - for the first time since July! We had a lot to catch up on over pizza and wine and he told me about a recent autism diagnosis (I immediately self-diagnosed too, what is wrong with me).
  • Spending these three days with close friends showed me how much I'm currently missing being stuck in that haunted house with my brother. It reminded me that my life isn't usually like that and that I actually have people in my life who I feel comfortable with, people who care about me. I actually have a good life. It's hard to describe but the longer I stay there the more miserable I feel, the more I keep forgetting what life can actually look like. It sucks me in, I feel stuck - both physically and mentally. I need to get out of there asap. And why is that on my list of things I love? Well, because it's a realisation that this too shall pass. That I shouldn't identify too much with my current situation because I'm not the problem even though it feels that way.
  • A very spontaneous concert visit - my friends had an extra ticket for Bloodywood. I love the idea of combining metal and traditional Indian music.
  • A little marzipan obsession. Which is why I'm so happy about the zero sugar almond milk I found that tastes exactly like marzipan! / Arriving in Amsterdam. Lying down, biting into a cookie I'd just bought (Picolientje). Realising it's filled with marzipan. What a win. Sometimes my natural tendency to expect the worst pays off in form of a positive surprise.
  • A low calorie drink with fermented cassis. Warm stroopwaffels with caramel. Cappuccinos and matcha lattes covered in thick milk foam. Dutch cherry coke - which has a stronger cherry flavour than the German version. Pick and mix candy stores.
  • All the cats hanging out on Amsterdam's window sills. What a great alternative to potted plants. Meeting friendly felines wherever we go. Communicating.
  • The single bell sound from a nearby church tower while walking though a narrow alley made my mind travel to the setting of a Gothic novel. Industrial times, Victorianism. Walking through Edinburgh at night in a slight drizzle.
  • Irregularities in the sidewalk. White inlays that often look like exaggerated white crescent moons.
  • Sitting down at one of the canals. Observing the perfect swirly pattern in the soft waves. A hypnotising mirror image of the bare tree branches. A coot keeping me company. Honking at me.
  • Those typical narrow Amsterdam city houses. Rooms with high ceilings on the ground floor. Black walls and window crosses with a white frame around the window panes.
  • Cyclists thanking me for waiting, letting them pass. Just a raised hand - a tiny gesture. Somehow it meant a lot that day.
  • Glitter on the floor.
  • Fun surprises at Westergasfabriek. We walked through a fair and I kinda enjoyed being surrounded by all the rides, bright lights, happy people. And the we found an arcade and played a few games there!
  • Frank really did his best to cheer me up. And he put up with me despite my depressed grumpiness. One night he just hugged me tightly and told me how important I am to him. He put his hand on my chest and said that there's so much more awesome inside of me that will want to come out soon. That he knows I could be so much happier. I was moved by his openness and vulnerability. I felt loved. And incomplete, defective. Because I can't even get myself to say one positive word at the moment. Any expression of joy, love, gratitude, a compliment... I don't have it in me. My theory is that my negativity is supposed to protect me in some way and showing positive emotions makes me vulnerable.
  • A photo challenge. Walking through Amsterdam on a mission. Frank gave me five assignments for photo motifs.
  • Watching a movie at the beautiful old Tuschinski cinema.
  • My new Yin&Yang hair clip from Kookaï.
  • Sharing a cab to Hridaya with four strangers who turned out to be lovely people.
  • I went to Hridaya Yoga at Château Longeval near Lyon for a 10-day silent meditation retreat and basically what I expected to happen actually did: my mind calmed down without all the distractions (reading, speaking, internet, all kinds of human interaction) and I started appreciating the small things: exchanging the buttery Dutch almond cookies for apples and pears / abdominal massage (a spontaneous discovery after Shavasana) / the lovely handwritten note from Frédérique - my roommate for 3 days; it was in French but I understood everything! / And then: having the room to myself / an afternoon walk despite the drizzle: forest soil, primroses, saying hello to the cows / beautiful visions during meditation (adventures with my inner child, imagining to befriend all my friends' inner children and forming a loving little gang) / daily affirmations like "I make a difference in other people's lives" or "More than survive I want to thrive" / how easily I got into shoulder stand and plough pose / seeing shapes like feathers or little animals in the wooden floor boards and some sort of smiling kolibri in a fold of my pear / seeing the remnants of my shimmering lilac and blue nail polish on my fingers and smelling the sweet lotion on my hands after meditation, freshly washed hair (sorry but the non-biodegradable shampoo is just so much nicer - I can't stand tea tree oil) / drawing shapes with an electric blue Sakura Moonlight gel pen while listening to an interesting lecture, drawing insects, leaves and flowers, shading with a soft pencil //
  • In hindsight, I feel so much gratitude for myself for following that vague hunch. Just trusting it, giving it a chance. Bias towards action. It turned out to be one of the most heart-opening and mind-expanding things I've done so far.
mar 6 2023 ∞
aug 30 2023 +