- With the rental car still outside my house, I followed Christian's invitation and drove over to Grafing on a gorgeous autumn morning. I enjoyed driving fast, the sunshine, the colourful foliage. Finding the front door unlocked, I got undressed and snuck into bed with him. Played some more with my very versatile washing line. Stood outside in the garden with his housemates talking about chicken duties. Decided to go to the airport together to return the car. Kissing on the bus. On the escalator. Ending up at Flaucher with Mephy, Helmut and BaLu. Talking about our party ideas and support group plans. I loved the concept of a mirrored, yin and yang style location for some sort of duality party.
- The drive through the forest. Everything yellow, orange and red. Glimpses of sunlight through the leaves. Listening to some of C.'s favourite tracks.
- Picking up Anna from the train station. Spending an afternoon together for the first time, getting to know her a little. Eating baozi in Schwabing, receiving a free tote bag at Motel a Mio after bonding with the girl from Guadalajara, walking over to Haus der Kunst hoping to get into the Inside Other Spaces exhibition but ending up in the bookshop and Goldene Bar. Cherry-chocolate cake. &otherstories. I paid for everything and felt like the fancy/weird aunt (even though we're cousins).
- Impulse buys at Doc Martens and H&M Home.
- Christian picking me up by car after a few disastrous hours in public transport chaos. Over-caffeinated, cold and wet, not being able to cope with my emotions. He brought me a blanket and bought food for me. We watched a movie and the atmosphere was a little tense so I gave him some space which turned out to be the right decision. In the morning, we talked about everything which felt so liberating. My new favourite things: radical honesty, eye-gazing, slow sex, sugar-roasted almonds on toast.
- The baby kitten walking past the terrace door.
- Our choir weekend: karaoke street cred +100 (performing a duet with Peter, channelling my inner Nina Hagen), learning all the alto parts, getting to know Anne and Julia and talking to almost everyone else (I even managed to talk to a few people I don't really get along with yet like Christa and Lilo - who really engaged with me after she realized that she hadn't fully accepted my compliment), singing for Kathrin and being offered a solo part immediately - now I have to open the Christmas concert and sing the very first note (I'm scared, what a challenge), finding a wine buddy in Daniela, massaging Regina and giving her a bunch of honest compliments on Sunday, our LeiLeiLei closing dance.
- Driving through the car wash on our way back from Freising. It was my first time in what must have been a decade, I was so fascinated that I had to take a video of the whole experience.
- Sucking off the soft parts of a still moist / freshly opened ball of mozzarella.
- Karlo sending me a whole folder of fantastic photos of Robert and me kissing and playing around with our leash. Some of these are really sensual. I wish I could publish them...
- Someone blocking the subway doors for me so I could still board the train.
- A neck and jaw massage from Hannah. Helpful exercises. A warm mud pack.
- Uli's naked party! Interesting new connections among the guests. Lukas in drag. Christoph who was seemingly fascinated by me. Teasing Sandra. Testing the Triangle Method on Robert (looking into one eye, then the other, then down to the lips). The Katharinas were there, too. I played with Uli, Stefan and Miriam. Painted Robert's legs and gave him a bite mark on his right butt cheek in a competition with Sandra. Mike was there after we texted each other that we were on a way to a party which turned out to be the same event. I had a good conversation with him and BaLu.
- Research about the Subspace.
- A woman who quietly smiled to herself on the subway listening to music.
- The sparkly cat mask I bought for next to nothing.
- Salted and roasted pistachios I don't have to peel first.
- Running into Andrea who told me about Costa, the cute orange cat who keeps visiting her.
- Clementines.
- Stained glass. Almost are my glassware is colorful with very thin walls now. Fragile, pleasing, marvellous. I even got matching glass straws. And three new bubble glass candlestick holders. I can't get over how cool they are. I've been obsessed with candles for a few weeks now. Preferably black and twisted. I like how special everything looks in candlelight.
- Twisting from Mountain Pose into the Wheel in yoga class.
- Showing a girl at school how to draw a cat.
- A video call with Chili and Christian. Distracted by my own image on screen; noticing how attractive Christian is.
- Following an impulse to rent a car and FINALLY get rid of the content of most of my moving boxes. Sweet salvation.
- Watching Notting Hill. Tearing up a little realizing what a fantastic movie it is. Julia Roberts' impeccable late 90s wardrobe.
- A very good therapy session talking about communicating boundaries, self worth, hard rest, leveling up, outgrowing people.
- Zotter Miso Caramel and Black Sesame chocolate.
- Getting my annual Sonnentor tea advent calendar.
- Trying on sexy bodies and bras at a lingerie store. I got a silver one with a low neckline and shoulder pads.
- Spending a few hours at V-Markt with Robert. We had so much fun but it was also very draining - we got overstimulated quite quickly. We bought Play-Doh, Bud Spencer malt balls, stacked Pombären crisps. More: Holding hands. Advent calendar rating. The softest carpet. Afterwards we had delicious Indian food around the corner (with a huge Hanuman statue outside the entrance) and all the guests at the restaurant wore beautiful traditional clothing.
- Almost kissing. Inventing and executing Bite Massage.
- Petting a lovely little dog outside the bakery with a warm butter croissant in my hand.
- Double Sagittarius energy in my life. These two, really, what can I say. Grateful. (And, come to think of it, Dyana is a Sag, too!)
- Watching the girl sitting next to me on the subway eating a bright green Granny Smith apple in the window reflection. A crisp little sound.
- Buttered rolls with sea salt and honey.
- The clothes swap party I organized with Marah was a great success! So many friends stopped by, found something they liked, enjoyed the vibes and conversations. I talked to Sandra for a while, hoping to resolve our issues. Julian performed some kind of gloved choking/breath retention exercise on me. We ended up at Marah's place and she made dinner for us. A lovely day. I got to know Yeli and the two Alex-es a little better. Offered my services as a stylist. And, last but not least, got rid of a few boxes of stuff I didn't need anymore. Sweet release.
- Relying on Robert and fox as phone support on the bad days.
- Finding out about Robert's vision and skillset. And that he would make a perfect partner for my business vision. I love how much more resources and support I have than I thought.
- Gemstone clusters in my fridge.
- One of Lucie's mantras reminded me of Zu Asche, zu Staub from the Babylon Berlin soundtrack. She gifted me her CD after the yoga class!
- A long conversation with Sonja about the important stuff. I was super late already but it felt relevant. She told me about her daughter's homosexual relationship. Her husband's brutal suicide.
- Renting a karaoke box for Emily's goodbye party. We went full-on more passion/more energy mode and had so much fun. I got lots of compliments for my singing. The facial expressions in the photos were priceless and afterwards we went dancing at a shitty little club and I had fun teasing Chili.
- Kathrin checking in on me when I missed choir practice.
- Drawing another set of spot-on cards: Postponement/Trust. And the Thunderbolt for Robert. Even he had to admit how relevant it was.
- A good therapy session.
- Katharina reminding me of the two notes with quotations I got from an art tutor (Karl Schleinkofer) at uni. I rummaged around in a few drawers and actually found one of them!
- The illustration of a cute little Earth ball nestled in a pair of hands on the toilet paper packaging.
- Getting more and more into classical/epic music.
- The affirmation video Anna Zona sent me.
- A little get-together with my colleagues. Cold pizza and hard liquor. Attempted karaoke. Connecting with Toni. Coming out of the tech room together just to run into Andrea's arms. Hot gossip.
- A trip to IKEA with Robert. Assessing the model rooms, standing in a shower together, testing pillows. Egg McMuffin for breakfast.
- The roadtrip to Austria with Christian. What an intense night. I loved our creative/deep talk sessions. How much I trusted him right away. Doing his make-up and really bringing out his features. We looked fantastic. A warm welcome at the party. Our own sneaky projects (like chatting up the blue-haired girl). Boobs. Learning more about myself, my self-worth, jealousy. Watching him engage with others, going through the motions of looking away, taking part and then just leaning back, watching, admiring his work, knowing that I'd go home with him later. So we eventually did, admitting that it just wasn't our scene and the people were really not a good match. And magic ensued. He triggered me emotionally, repeatedly, through pain, through letting me tell my story, and he held me when I was crying. He was there for me and bathed in my openness. We celebrated our kinks, challenged each other (reference: "to gross out"). His grotesque face over me. Resolving the pregnancy discussion, reassuring him. Spending another hour in the car talking instead of going back inside. How we both realized that we want to be there for each other. The phone call right that evening. A video of his fireplace. It all feels quite inevitable.
- A rainbow in the misty mountains on the way home.
- Meeting Elena at the opening of her creative space at Gasteig. Lava lamp visuals. Talking to Seda. The little interaction with the older guy in the parking garage.
- Grading tests using the rainbow ruler D. brought me back from Thailand.
- The Amaphupho Trinix remix.
- An Archer scholarship application in my mailbox right when I admitted to myself that I needed a career change. Realizing that I still have the free coaching session with Valerie Junger that I can use for this too.
- Joy of Connection. Playfulness. A surprise massage from my group (being manipulated, tickled, pressed, pushed...) I felt at totally at ease and enjoyed all the shaking, improvising, spinning, rolling around on the floor with Robert. It was so freaking lovely to have him there. And then there was Christian who worked as a DJ that night. His playlist was absolutely perfect. We didn't interact too much during the session because he had to concentrate but when it was over I lay between him and Robert in the cuddle space and felt so much love for these two men. And in return, loved and accepted. Safe. When I had to leave both of them standing on the subway platform and hop onto my train, I felt a little lost and lonely. I texted them and C. actually called me because he'd noticed and wanted to reassure me. Wow.
- Talking about feminist issues and Margarete Stokowski's books with one of the IMMA ladies who offered a workshop at school.
- Compliments for my stretchiness and nice handwriting.
- Connecting with Claudia. Getting Baba Ganoush wraps at Beirut Beirut together after the workshop.
- Singing Shiva Shambo with Lucie. Another great yoga class. I really love what she does.
- The choir being super positive and supportive despite my less than perfect solo performance during practice. Peter hugged and motivated me. Fiorina, Regina, Silvia, Monika and Sonja gave me such sweet compliments. Felt grateful and accepted.
- Taking my time in the morning, trusting that it would be okay. And it was. I got a lot of stuff done (how fantastic is morning energy™?!), packed my bags, stayed calm even when the subway was super late and when I had to pay 50€ extra for a new train ticket. In the end I had my seat and even BaLu and Marah found me!
- Some of my highlights from Burn on the Rocks: Marah and BaLu found me in the train after a few annoying complications. Sweet! Then he sat next to me and we had an interesting conversation during our smooth journey to Vienna. There, we had lunch at an "original" Viennese restaurant. Cheap food (roasted dumplings!), Wiener Schmäh, learning about Krampus cards. On the bus, I developed an idea to create a Magical sorting hat for playa names with BaLu and Oz. / a lovely greeting ceremony, eating pussy (cookies), spontaneously welcoming Ariana later that night with David when she showed up after the gate opening hours / doing Luna's make-up - graphic liner to match her bottle green latex dress / whispers in Spanish, directly into my ear. Sensual ASMR. / Thanksgiving dinner (!) cooked by Toni the Beast, an Americal who'd brought her mum all the way to Austria to help her prepare the food; holding hands at the table and giving thanks / kissing Nagu on the dancefloor, letting him tell me the story of how he met Galya (in Zipolite!) / feeling the love with Mephy's interactive emotion machine - I even teared up a little because I realised how grateful I am for all the beautiful people in my life and how positive everything has turned out for me / a sensual workshop (home brew because the facilitators didn't show up) with David, Stefan and Susi - we fulfilled each other's wishes and mainly massaged, bit, pushed and teased / later I connected with Féj and she allowed me to explore her body / my first squirting demonstration - impressive range / Acid Friday with Luna (dancing to Eye of the Tiger in the courtyard) and David (lying in the cloud cube together, playing with the squishy tentacle toy, caressing him, feeding him plums and dry bread with Toni in a smoking hot KGB outfit) / Alex's Metal Massage, a multisensory and in this case rather trippy experience - I loved the soundtrack, the graveyard smell, the pressing and drumming on my body, almost like demons coming to get me / connecting with Ladybird from Portugal and Kevin from Scotland / Meeting Luki A., a fantastically talented saxophone and clarinet player from South Tyrol. A local politician, architect and one of the organisers of the event; he walked around bare-chested, only covered by a little fur cape and his very cool tattoos. I followed his invitation to hop into the air bed with him. We really connected. He told me I was beautiful. A goddess. Introduced me to Ableton. We sang together one morning and then I listened to him jamming with someone while painting with acrylics. What a peaceful moment. He took care of me and kept his promise, just showed up at my bedside one night, checking in on me, holding space. He even got me out of bed and I'm so grateful because I had a lovely night - what a turnaround. He was my teammate in the K-lympics and we retreated to the sofa or cuddle space more than once to ground ourselves and come down together. / the Zen Garden in the kitchen - what a party treat / Saturday Late Night Kitchen Party - everyone danced ecstatically and I felt SO good. Fantastic music, legendary mood. Worshipping Ladybird's and Galya's breasts. What a lovely way to end the weekend after my usual low mood during the Effigy burn. / Mephy coming up with a new nickname for me, inventing a name game for everyone / asking Féj "do you even know what we are doing here?" when our legs were taped together and we were about to do an egg race / going to Nowhere with Mephy's VR goggles / BaLu's box of Jelly Beans in ever flavour / drawing on the rainbow scratch pads in my favourite toilet - ah, and the 00's boy and girl band toilet!
- Ordering a Mathmos lava lamp in the middle of the night. It's orange and purple with a copper metal case. I feel like a very happy millennial watching the bubbles float up and down. Blast from the past. I must have had a very similar one in my room when I was a kid.
- Peter offering to practice my choir solo with me because he'd noticed how nervous I was. And it really helped to scream that song into a microphone in his basement a few times.
- Franky's friend saying hello when he saw me on the street on our way home in the middle of the night.
- A long phone talk with Christian. Catching up, sharing ideas, making plans. Sad to hang up after two or three hours, not able to cuddle up to the person on the phone screen.
- The fact that I've "only" got a cold so I'll still be able to do all the things I wanna do. Grateful for the little things because let's face it: it could be SO much worse.
- Being satisfied with my last solo performance during dress rehearsal. I just sang more quietly and it helped a lot.
- Delicious Vietnamese food at a lunch date with Becky. Herbal strawberry and basil seed lemonade.
- Sebastian repaired my bike for free!
- A slow and cozy morning. Christmas porridge in the bathtub. Getting a lot of stuff done. Having a little time to myself. I felt so calm. I even listened to a few classic Christmas tunes and made a huge pot of tea.
- Lucie's Thursday yoga class. More challenging asanas, more advanced teachings.
- Making myself a gooey mushroom wrap for dinner. Mmh!
- My new electric purple cashmere beanie. So soft.
nov 6 2023 ∞
jan 10 2024 +