am i phasing (finally) out of existence? not to be tacky but it completely feels like i'm expending more and more energy just to stay here in this plane, or box, more to drag myself along the same trails, like a poltergeist getting too irrelevant to lift the chains and shake them. they just fall through my fingers. i've never been sick this long; i've never been lonely so long; i've never been not lonely so long (and i'm not sure i like it). bone cold and sweat hot, over and over like a strobe light, and no one will tell me the way out of this rave hell and my head is a hot indescribable hurt. lethargy like big hands. exhaustion (reprise!) and i know it's always this bad but it really feels new, each time, and i'm a bad actor trying to remember my lines but someone keeps changing them, pulling pages out, pasting over cues with fortune cookie fortunes. and yet , here we are, here we fucking are!!!!!!!!!!