have i always been this unhappy? what is it about a good day that makes you look back on yourself as a content person, and what is it about a bad month that makes you look back and see someone who's never not been depressed? i feel like i'm on low battery usage mode all the time, engine just barely alive, running on the smallest margin of energy. i'm too tired anymore to even think about suicide. i'm too tired anymore for anyone, unless there's sex, because i need chemical stimulus or nothing, i guess. i know it's horrific, but i feel ready for addiction. something to take hold of me. reaching out with little limp tethers for something to care about. should ask for help. should talk to someone. should just buckle down and power through another winter. should maybe just go back to bed.